Changing Seasons

Hearing the mysterious knocks of fall… smelling its faint scent that didn’t take full control over air yet, but just send messenger of cool breezes that play with our senses, and dance a secret dance with the trees; fill my eyes with the sight of white cottony clouds, which hide the heat of the sun to gently shade our mortal bodies.

All this make my heart ache… for no specific reason but the eager to meet fall again… and enjoy its beauty that exceeded any other season… though I have good feeling toward other seasons, but fall is always my favorite

That raises a question; What do I love about each season?!

mmm let me see

If I start with winter:

• I was born in winter; in the incomplete month… the coldest among all winter months … and the weirdest among all months… of course you have guessed!!! FEBRUARY,
• I love gray skies, from which I can see the true face of the world, hear angels’ cries, and bless my being with their tears “Rain”.
• It is better to be sitting under blankets with a cup of hot chocolates; than sitting half naked in the AC!!! Sinus problem :(
• The chill that turn our face and fingers numb! And make us appreciate our senses.
• RAIN… RAIN… RAIN
• Abandoned streets
• Winter clothes are more elegant
• Magic about Master winter: he is cold yet send warm feelings to our hearts… for the cold weather let people tend to be closer to each other, looking for physical and emotional warmth, and appreciate the good company
• Favorite place in winter: ALEXANDRIA

Spring:

• In which the songs of virgins in the hidden temples fill the being
• Smells of fruits and heavenly flowers… clear blue skies… and trees start to wear all kinds of blossoms and colorful leaves
• Enjoy the youth of the sun… with its shy light and heat
• LOVE… LOVE… LOVE is in the air
• All creature but humans are happier in spring, and as I value nature so I am happy for them too… even the sparrows songs are better
• In spring, a high degree of harmony and union with nature elements can be reached… feel yourself in the sea… or sitting on green grass… touching tree trunks… smell the scent of flowers and roses and fruit’s trees… and listen deeply to the leaves and cool breezes
• Still wintery clothes, with summer shades… they call that demi season
• Favorite place in spring: Gardens

Summer:

• The SEA… jump in water and feel it penetrating your cells… wash you from inside…let go all darkness, and fill your emptiness with its holly secrets
• I like the festivals of Poseidon, and river nymphs :) but that another story that I will write about in the diaries :D
• Favorite place in summer: The Sea, & my Room

Fall:

• Sweet November
• All good things happen to me in fall
• In fall all feelings are balanced … away from winter depression, spring romance, and summer enthusiasm
• Can reach a higher degree of spirituality and self exploration during the holly days of fall
• The nature is letting go their own past … and start a journey to begin a new chapter in their life
• Sweet sadness in the air … true feelings in the hearts… freedom of the soul
• The elements of life express themselves greatly
• I enjoy the festival of the Earth goddess, and wood nymphs :)
• Favorite place in fall: My world, me, and myself

Seasons are like me, or I am like seasons, doesn’t really matter… we are both unstable with NO single mood… That may seem a negative thing, but in my opinion it is a bless

So… time to change the season… time to change the mood… time to change the face of my earth, my world, my life.

I love you... But do i trust you?!

It is know that love is associated with other feelings… joy, happiness, sometimes anger and hate… but I won’t talk about any of these… I am here to focus on only one corner-stone feeling in any relationship… which is trust!

The more the couple are in love, the more they trust each other... everyone agree with that?

Ok! here is my strange idea... by observing, thinking, and experiencing I found out that…

The more we love… the less we trust

The less we love... The more we trust

Yeh yeh! I know the flow of thoughts that push on your brain, but allow me to explain my strange idea… and the logic that I have based it upon.

It happens; mainly due to unbalanced degree of love between couples… moreover, the degree of romance each of the couple has.

In order to clarify my theory, let’s imagine that we have two persons, (A) and (B), who are in love; and let’s assume that (A) loves (B) more

Believing in the great love, and the high expectation that (A) has… a bitter feeling starts to dominate in (A)’s heart, thinking that the given love is not met by the proper degree, gratitude, and feelings… (A) then starts to misinterpret any word or action made by (B), which raise arguments, thus loss of faith and trust in the partner, and the relationship as a whole

Vice versa

As (B) loves (A) moderately, normally maybe practically… we will find that (B) has no problem at all in trusting (A)... Knowing the degree of (A)’s love… which became much more than just love… it becomes kinda worshiping, and adoration… things are taken for granted, knowing that (A) would do anything for (B)

Now! Are you (A) or (B)?

Sometimes (A)… loves more and suffers

Sometimes (B)… loves less and suffers

Sometimes (C)… What I didn’t mention this one??!!

Oh! Sorry … (C) is the one who experience zero degree of both values

NO LOVE … NO TRUST…

Absolute neutral feelings, enjoyed by singles

I know what some may say, if the degree of love is not the same, so it is not a true love… common!!! That is not real life talk… we all know in a way or another the degree of love will never be the same, and the best we can hope for is to have the minimum possible difference!

And yes there are many types of love, platonic love, balanced romantic love, normal love, practical love …. You name it … it depends on the personality of the person!!!

So again which one you have experienced before? And is experiencing now!!

What are we Designed for

Human beings are strong creatures… maybe the strongest ever in this planet… they have overcome WARS, NATURAL DISASTERS, DEATH, SICKNESS, even LIFE itself… and in each event, they have proved well that they can carry on no matter what

Human beings are designed to carry loads of responsibilities… of others and toward others

Human beings are designed to survive … to stand before the tornado of life, which squeeze their faith… and test their humanity

But they were never designed to be lonely… to walk the line without interaction and support of other humans

That's why it is so hard to survive death of a beloved one, and for me… it is almost impossible to survive my breakup

It is about a year now

And I am still stunned, can’t really understand what happened…

Can’t bare the feeling of loneliness that burn my senses after he left

I feel empty

Walk with an invisible hole in my soul

Yes I am designed to do wonders

Threw spells of magic

Take enormous responsibilities on my shoulder, as Atlas did with the globe before

Inspire others

Support in whatever till the end of times

Care, share, and listen

But… and I am ashamed to admit it!

Am not designed to be alone

Am not designed to be without him

“Human beings are designed for many things… but loneliness is not one of them”

Desperate Housewives Quote

About Dreams

I dream!

Don't smile, and say me too!!

I know you do... we all do... but!!

I am concerned about the types of dreams I am experiencing

Dreams… Dreams

Shadows and fogs

Demons and dead angels

Men… men… women in torture

Me… run… run… no where to run

My dreams, I hate to dream… I hate to fall asleep… for the sake of my dreams' types:

Dreams where I am hunted:

the majority of my dreams are going around this point… I am hunted… running away from someone, from something… run always barefoot in darkness… followed by scary sounds… don't ask me why I run... I just run… run with no way out… run and always been found… escape and run and found and run and found and run and so on… till god wakes me up with his mercy

Dream where I am searching for something:

I am always late... I am always searching for a place... I am always in a hurry… I am always missing my appointment... I am always a looser… I am always searching…. always

Dream where I am in love:

We were never able to be together... always hugging and kissing bitter kisses… always steeling precious moments… always making love with tears… always been found by friends who ask us to run and hide… always separated… always

Dream where I am not me:

Strange... I am me and another!!! I can be me female and a male… I am both parties in a relation, and both parties in a situation… feeling men muscles… and women softness… who am I?

Dream that means something:

dreams that want to send me a certain message… it starts with as a normal dream… a set of unrelated fogy events… and suddenly, a focus on a certain things … as if I am using a camera… and zoom to show closely something very specific… even the wake up from such dreams means something… open my eyes widely and stare at the ceiling… whisper with one thing… I had a message… to such dreams I react differently, I first used to ignore and leave it to tomorrow… but now… I don’t… I read books of symbols… I read myself… I read the skies … I read the nature… till I reach what I want to know

Last dream of that type… a wall of seashells where I found shelter… the interpretation was to believe in myself … and my ability to get myself out of darkness

Dreams that reflect my mood:

Sometimes my daily life is reflected into a scary dream … where the events take the form of symbols… I wake up shivering… I wake up with tears… I wake up afraid… I thank god for waking up and leave my fears sealed in a dream

Dreams that leaves a mark:

No one ever believed it… and no one will... Because no one can ever imagine that a dream can leave marks … yes they do … to me … and I am still waiting for the meaning!!!

Why I have such odd dreams

My emotional instability is behind all this

My eternal search for a way out

For myself

For the true love that would brighten my days

My trial to runaway from myself

Everything

They feed my dreams to torture me

Strange… true enough to say… I don’t want to dream

Flavor of Life

Have you ever thought of your flavor of life?

Maybe I should start by telling first what a flavor of life is!!!

A flavor of life is your own flavor…

Still not clear!!!.... Ok read this:

I always thought that while creation, god put few drops of certain elements of nature, on the substance that made our bodies… to which the person would eternally belong, and his body responds!!!

That is why; sometimes you may feel that your body would interact with certain elements than others; For me I feel that my body doesn’t like different types of oils, such as almond, or olive oil… they make me feel weird and uncomfortable... as they are too complicated with too many molecules than I can handle or bare, besides they are extracted from other elements… so they seem to me as their shadows…

I am more into natural true elements… with their primary form, such as: Milk, Honey, Jasmine, Sacred Frangipani,

How did I know that?

Easy, for example, when I use cosmetics extracted from such materials, or consume them in different ways… I feel happy, as if a magical cheerful feeling slip into my soul and put a smile of satisfaction upon my face…

I feel that my body cells love them, sing for them, and feel so good, healthy, bright, shining, and extra soft with them…

I have tried rose's extracts, and other fruit extracts… but milk, honey and jasmine are my favorite ever… with them I feel as if I am going back to my first form, a substance mixed with beautiful elements of life.

Now can you tell what your flavor of life is??? :)

The Symbol

Tattoo has been always a secret wish of mine, and alas I can't do it for several reasons; but that didn’t stop me from wondering what if I can make one… which shape I will choose.

Sometimes I feel like a dragon, some others a butterfly, a little heart, or whatever Celtic shape... But…

I never found myself in any of them… for a tattoo must be symbolic for something inside, a believe, a wish... I dunno… it has to be so personal… so much ME

Until that day….

I was so depressed, crying over old papers… out of anger I held my pen and draw something over my ankle… strangely I felt myself in that little drawing… couldn’t at that time figure out what it was… maybe that is why I decided to study symbols, both religious and artistic…

After lots of readings, and examining many different symbols I realized the hidden meaning of my little drawing… and not just that, but I worked on enhancing it and formulate a meaning of my own... once I am done … I felt that this symbol is me … and I truly belong to its magic… so I decided to get a non toxic black pen and draw it myself every day on my left ankle … that may sound childish … but I truly feel myself with its existence, feel powerful, and protected

Can you see my symbol in this picture below

As noticed it is very simple, and may seem as an ordinary cross to others, but the hidden meanings are more powerful… maybe that is why it is a symbol J … to hide the meaning within, and send people's mind to other directions but the enlightened…

But here, I will reveal the hidden meaning starting with:

The Cross: a reflection of the Ankh "key of life in ancient Egyptian legends"; the horizontal line symbolize the feminine power, and the vertical line symbolize the masculine power, together they represent the sacred union of man and woman which refer to the creation and birth of the universe…

The Four Dots: referred to the four elements of life, Water, Earth, Fire and Air (that was easy)

Why Dots (circle shape): because the circle is a feminine symbol, and also refers to endlessness… so the elements are endlessly generated and protected by the feminine powers

Why in My Left Ankle: symbol of alienation as right is right for some

And Why Ankle: to be near the main vein of life

Simple and not complicated at all… So tell me dear, what is your symbol!!!

L.O.V.E

Four letters… one word

One word… owned a whole world

A whole world… based on one divine word

One word… made of four letters

Love has tricked me... with the evil within:

L: was Labeled as private properties, Lonely with and without him, Leaned on for every single detail of our relationship, Lamented the loss of my life till my eyes went dry

O: Obey all his wishes and commands, Owned as a vase, or in a better word as a pet, accept Offense to my womanhood and all what makes me me

V: Violation of my past, present, and future

E: The END of love relationship left me Empty, Enclosed, Embittered, Enraged, and Estranged

Might be overreacting, and exaggerating… but I am devastated… can fire give anything but smokes and ashes!!!!

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this blog was forgotten... and by coincidence i found it... will i continue or stop... maybe and maybe not

ps: the used graphic is my own creation, hope you find it nice and expressive

baby am amazed by you !!

In my case ... the reason for amazement is the degree that he controls everything in me ... my body, soul, mind, heart ... everything ...

I am really amazed by how helpless I become when I am with him ...

I was never like this .. I am always strong ... tough ... hard ... no one can control me specially my wild untamed mind ... except him

Am I happy ??

Well ... romantic wise, people may say ... wow ... this is great .. it is important that the couple has this effect on each other ... but

Reality wise !! this is terrible .. now I know the feeling of the trapped lion ... strong and has his own will, walk in the jungle spreading respect but ... when he is trapped .. he just lose all that and become another big cat in a cage !!!

It is the same .. and that cause me to have a duality .. with others I am strong and taugh and independent ... do what I wanna, and make people do what I wanna ..

But with him ... I do what he wanna ... I am a tamed kitty !! with no will but his will ... with no eyes or ears but his ..

Everytime I try to leave ... he simply pull my collar and I am back ... and that amaze me ... really baby I am amazed by you

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I am trapped in love relationship that I cant understand and cant feel ...

What is in a blog

I always wondered what is in a blog!! Specially that I tried so many times to create a blog and couldn't write more than one article or two ..

why people write their diaries and wait for strangers to read and comment on them ??

I couldn't find a good answer for that question ... Except when ...

I started to feel that I have to face myself with everything inside me ...

a blog is my way out to the world .. Without revealing my face ...

a blog is my window inside myself without carrying the burden to be exposed

it is a lot easier to be exposed to a stranger than to someone close ... and I cannot afford that any one I know look inside me ... Why !! Well that is another issue that I will soon write about

so !! Lets blog simply :)

rising sun

I am not a sun ... I know that ... but I wanna act like one ... rise and fill my world with a different feeling .. feeling of warmth ... of light ... of beauty

Weakness and hiding was never me ... and cause of them I was about to loose myself completely in the dark stream of anger and failure of judgment ...

Strong and shining as I was always ... strong and decisive as I was always .. I will be again ...

For me ... and all those who depend on me

Trapped in my Own Self

What I will say is strange but it is true … myself is setting me up …

what is myself … is it me … or some kind of divine voices that indirectly show me the path when I am lost … can I say it is divine .. I guess yes cause always things go wrong when myself is away … but sometimes voices are evil .. lead me to fake understanding .. it is all about shadows, shadows of moments I lived coming back to me, talking to me ... some are good some are bad … but memories doesn’t talk, they flash in my mind showing me the true face that I missed when I was living them … so they are showing me the path but in a visual way … oh ! but sometimes they are made specially to blind me from seeing what I should see … I want to get out of this loop .. what am I … from what I was made … my mind is in ceaseless circling …

I am trapped in my own self and can’t get out … even the way is blurred and I can’t see anymore … I raise my hand to the sky waiting for the answer of the hidden question about the truth of me and my existence

***Dark Me***

Reflection of Mathematics 2 - when 10 meets 1

when --(10)-- meets --(1)-- the effect depends on how they will both meet, and what is the surrounding environment ... will they add to each other, or take from each other ...

why --(10)-- ?! why --(1)--??!
two extremes in my opinion, standing at the end of the basic numbers line ... separated by many things ...

mapping this fact a man --(10)-- meets a woman --(1)-- , two extreme physically and mentally, each carry the heritage of thousands of years, the superior man, deep in his mind look at a woman as a weak creature that has no right but follow his wishes ... and a woman who think that she is standing alone with unique thinking that was never appreciated by the man ...


such thoughts are planted in the human minds ... it is the base of the relationship between the two ... even if they don’t admit it ... a gesture or a simple word will let it all out, and then division in the being created from both of them start to spread cutting a peace after another ...

back to calculations ...

10+1 = 11 ...
when a man add a woman to his life, he promises with leading the beautiful union to a better life, a life that is too sweet like chocolates and even better .. a life that worth be lived and fight for ...


but the question that I always ask to myself based on my readings in the human behavior .. is he really lead the union to better life ... or need a follower and some kind of companion ... or maybe need someone to back him up and protect his existence from the sinful, violent world ?!!

modern men --(a fact in my society in a famous middle-eastern country)-- when put plans for marriage, the want both a follower and a body guard ... he looks for a woman that can do many roles at the same time, a mix of a mother and a sister (who in my country serve the her male brother), a wife, and even a concubine ... unfortunately most women doesn’t really have this complex way of thinking, when they get engaged the only idea in their mind is to live an enchanting feeling of a princess who will be taken by the handsome prince to live in a beautiful castle forever, and will be taken care off ... but the truth is she is considered as the back of her man,the one who take all the hits ,,, to protect his sacred being, and cover his weakness and sense of ir-responsibility

simple mathematics show this fact ... observe the position of the added one ... it take the place of the zero .. fill it with a concrete existence .. standing behind the other one who look always to the front and never look back to the feelings of the other whose attention is focused always on him


someone told me once ... a woman is only apart of a man's life, but a man is everything in a woman's life ... true .. even simple mathematics proves it .. :)

10-1=9
the effect of human complexity is fatal ... relationships are like butterfly wings, once they are touched they never be the same, they diminish to death ...
the hardest thing is the moments of separation two existences, become one ... then brutally separated by evil forces that haunt the innocent dream and fill the space between them with hatred and agony...

when one leave it takes a piece of the other ... a piece that is made of lived moments, laughs and cries, pleasure and pain, problems and happy times ... all this fade away leaving a deformed being that lost what make it .. it both were consumed badly cause of planted selfish feelings ... but ... and there is no point in placing the blame ... isn’t it enough that it is over ??!!

Drops of memories

--(11)-- I am backing you up .. am blindly devoted to you .. all what I wish ... to look at me from time to time .. and feel what I suffer from your un-true existence ...

***Dark Me***

Reflections of Mathematics

What are the results of -----(1+1)----- and -----(1-1)-----

Easy question ...Right !!! ...

Well my advice is to think again about your answer

still insisting !!

ok :)

it is my turn now to answer this mysterious question and ........ Surprise you :)

After many calculations, and deep thoughts the result is :

1+1 = 1 & 1-1=1

don't be surprised .... I sure have a point ... A point that carries reflections of mathematics mixed with senses of being a human with a complex set of feelings and endless drops of memories ...

(1+1=1)----- how two become one

the magical potion of life can make this true, love is the name ... when two souls are united, and ready to reach high skies, fall in deep seas, destroy the impossible for just a smile ... only then one added to one become only one and not at all two

(1+1=1)----- how two become one

winds of human complexity can sink the sailing ships of eternal vows : together forever: .....

but ... the question is are we really together ??!! or just moving shadows in the same place, where each is hiding in their inner caves ... what does one add to the other ??!! it is not as it used to be ... feeling of loneliness spread like cancer leaving deeper cuts every day than the other in the sacred body of the relationship ... feeling lonely even when one is added to one ... and the one remain only one ... and that is how two become one ...

(1-1=1)----- how one remains one

According to traditional mathematics if one is substrates by one the result will be --(zero)-- ... and although --(zero)-- is a value of great importance in mathematics, but .... we can never deny the fact that --(zero)-- is nothing ...

The question now is that can all the glorious being of a human Diminish to be zero just because the other one is not around anymore ...

• Physical wise .. No the one will always remain one

• Soul/heart wise .. and it is what we are interested about ... Can be both yes and no

yes: the one diminish to zero cause the absence of the other one ... with who dreams were shared ... lands of pleasure and love were conquered ... blossoms of beauty and senses of sun and moon were felt .. Building a new being that is consumed when one is absent

But.. and there is always but ... that is the traditional school of mathematic point of view that doesnt actually comply with the laws of life ...

No : one substrates by one will not give zero ... it will give one ... a standing one ... a fighting one... stand and fight the darkness and loneliness... and become one again ... maybe need to stand a while over the hills of what was once beautiful dreams ... recalling the taste of what the two shared , licking drops of memories falling from the weary mind, but never diminish ... and never fall to the dark zero ... always one .. a standing one .. a fighting one .. and that is how when one substrates from the life of one ... the one remains only one ...

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drops of memories ...

Things always depend on how we look at them ... for me ... being added to one .. or subtracted from one .. will always make me one .. i am lonely when he is not here ... and i am lonely when he is here ... but what i know is that I will always be one .. Standing and fighting with heart made of rocks of pain and anger ..

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***Dark me***