Sadness Strike

disappointing others became my favorite sport these days

and i hardly can seem to do anything right

i lost my compass of life.. or - which is more accurate - i don't have one on the first place

lets go back with my memory to remember when i ever had one .. when i ever know what to do with my life .. when i ever did something for myself .. when i ever know who i am .. when i found my path .. !!!

answer is : NEVER

and because of that ... i suffer ... and make those who are around me suffer too

and because i am a self centered person i hardly can see where my blindness leads me

i only see my pain

consumed by my anger i became senseless .. and ill considerate of what others may feel .. depending heavily on a credit that i didn't built .. and that others have to consider my psychological problems

i feel like an angry elephant who is destroying every beautiful thing on his path without noticing .. just when i was faced with high wall that cannot be passed i looked behind ... and i started to see .. the destruction i made

but ... is it too late to make it up?

i broke many things .. in many people ..

precious things

things that even if they were repaired ... they are already cracked .. and the marks can never be healed

i have a problem

and i refuse to see it

and cause of it i lost precious people... who can never be replaced

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i can see sadness on their faces

sadness i caused

i .. the one who think she is the victim of the world ... but i end up to be the executor of beautiful feelings

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forgive me Racha for Failing you

forgive me Mai for not standing when i should

and you MOMO .. forgive me for hurting you deeply when u never deserved it

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GOD forgive me .. i am not bad.. i am just ....... angry .. and ......................................... Blind

please help me to release this anger .. help me to see the sun .. and restore what remains of me

Amen