The Nothing i Become

 

I have Nothing

I own Nothing

I reached Nothing

I am Nothing

my days are eaten, munched slowly, devoured continuously

between this and that I have to run... forgetting all about me, and my dreams, and my tomorrows

live day by day.. with no plans or visions 

suddenly I took a moment and looked around... questions poured inside my head like torrential rain

where am I?

What am I doing?

when I ll be me?

what is wrong with me?

Still frozen in a current status?

itching to fulfill something but why cant you do it?

how did I use my days?

for a long time, I kept losing little pieces of myself.. comply.. accept.. suck it up.. and the demons I thought they are gone, grew bigger and fiercer, and new ones joined 

I spend my time fighting myself, fighting life, fighting for life... I spend my time running in the wheel for others.. always for others

and now the white hair is invading  my head, winning in a cold creeping war... I looked around... and for a moment i realized 

I am nothing

I have nothing

I am nothing

I own nothing

I am nothing 

I reached nothing

on the verge of despair I stand

the pit of fire is ready for me

burning whatever is left of me... ashes dispersed far and wide

The silence is so loud... and before the last of me is gone I hear it ringing in my head

I am nothing

I have nothing

I own nothing

I reached nothing

My strange idea  for today

nothing can save me from the nothing i become

 

 

The Three Musketeers

I have been meaning to write about this for quite sometimes.

The Three Musketeers... 

The delay was unintentional... my senses were submerged in endless oceans of overthinking and sadness.. but now is the moment, triggered by the absence of one of us...

The Three Musketeers, and Milady ;)

a beautiful story, speaks of friendship and the bond that can be created between strangers...

isn't it something?

to form a friendship with words?

and what are we but words... 

We are here reading and writing... resting our fighting souls...  supporting and sharing opinions... laughing and even crying... seek nothing but a beautiful friendship 

Here... in this little space stolen from the world... where we can simply take off our armors, and lay down our swords... share food for the heart and soul, before it is time to get out to face the storm again.

After brief thinking... It was not very hard to choose which character I may be... there is only one worthy female character after all :)

that character who had to wear masks to survive, but i am not deceitful... i am sharp like a sword.. i cut and let them bleed... walking away and never be seen again. 

I am poison... dormant poison

So i raise my cup in a toast to the marvellous Musketeers and... ;) Milady.

But before i go... I would like to send a call for dear Anonymous who is lost in the sea of life... taken away by waves of frustration...  bravely facing the world with faith and strength... 

Stay Strong my friend, for you are a Musketeer who is fearless of whatever may come.

We light a candle for you... to see through the shadows... to see the way home.

My Strange Idea for Today

Prayers to the Anonymous who is lost in the sea..

Prayers to a stranger I know  nothing about.. but cherish his existence in my life 

Prayers to an endless friendship between the Anonymous souls who gather in this little corner of strange ideas

The Maze

Walking inside a maze with no way out

All paths no matter how further they took me are deceiving

Blocked at the end with no hope to go through

I am trying to tame my wounded angry self... be rational... be reasonable... chase away my demons... stand my ground... believe that all will be ok 

In vain

I really dont know what to do... I really dont know where to go... i really dont know how to be ok... I really dont know when all of this will be over... I dont know... I really dont know.

How do you ask for peace and you took mine away

You left me in the middle of endless chaos... lost... unbalanced and... disoriented 

frozen inside my deepest fears

i wish i can breath... i wish i can see the sun... i wish i am out of this maze.. 

My Strange idea for today

and what if the fighter is tired of fighting?

and what if the fighter wants to surrender?

Healing Alone

 

Broken soul… broken heart

One piece after the other consumed by the dark sadness

One piece after the other burned by the flames of anger

Oh I was a fool

A ridiculous fool 

I believed and I gave my all 

And now I am standing all alone 

Facing all of this alone

Trying to heal alone 

Always alone 

My wounds never heal

surrounded by darkness... no ray of light

pain eating my heart

I am falling... falling in endless despair

I need to breath... I need to see the sun... I wish to be ok for once in my life... I am tired... and sad... I am consumed... and angry... I must get out of all this... 

falling... falling deep... falling... hit hard... 

stuck in my head... it is crowded in there... those thoughts chain me... demons... cant break free 

Facing all this

healing alone

but my wounds never heal 

my wounds never heal

My strange idea of the day

none

The Story Teller

Lately I am realising a very disturbing fact.

I don't know how to write!!

For sometimes now I have been trying to put some ideas together

Envision a story.. a plot.. a character.. a places!!

But nothing is materializing in my brain.. just scattered ideas that doesnt hold on together and make something coherent.

I am a storyteller, or that's what i used to be... but for years this skill has been diminishing due to my attempt to run and hide from some aspects of my reality... i run to the colorful world of the games and social media... where i shut down my brain and receive only... do whatever needed mechanically... 

My soul is dry

and i don't know how to revive it

My imagination is depleted

and i don't know how to replenish it

the storyteller has no stories to tell

I thought of prompts... I thought of writing competitions... I thought of just writing the flashes that hit my mind from time to time

 But the problem is, I only think and think only... I dont move things to the next phase... ACTION

I am tired... emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted 

sometimes I tell myself, writing is your safe haven... where you can be somewhere else... where you will be someone else... just let it flow and you will not regret it

just let it heal you

just let it strengthen you as it always did

write a story, any story... a silly story... a sad story... a love story... a crazy story... just write a story... one little story... it will be the key to the rusty gates of your mind

I am very good at writing feelings.. very deep feelings... feelings that one can whisper to oneself.. how about character, place, plot line?

"It is a beautiful day outside, sunny with a little chill... delicious silence engulfing the space, melodies flowing around, make the heart aches with ecstasy... there... sitting... thinking... writing... dreaming... what is going to happen today? does it matter?, does it really matter?... just indulge in the moment... steal the rare beautiful moment from the ugly face of life"

Just feelings... no character, no place, no plot

My Strange Idea for the Day

I am a Storyteller without Stories 

  

God's Law

 

GOD's Law

how many crime has been committed in the name of god and his holy laws

how many has been oppressed and abused 

how much pain has been inflicted

I am a believer, and god's love is in my heart

I believe that he is merciful and loving 

I believe that whatever he said has been misused and misinterpreted by some to use it against others

I am a victim of God's law 

since I was a kid and until the moment I am writing these words

I have been abused, oppressed, deceived, and lied to under the banner of God's law

thrown into endless darkness that slipped into my soul... ate my peace and existence under the concept of the holy God's law

all of this turned me into the wort version of myself... crazy, angry, irrational... an ugly soul... burning with hurt and pain

looking into the mirror not knowing who I am.. who is this person... where are the smiles and laughter... where is the cheerful girl with endless imagination... full of love and lust

who is this shadow... 

I was puzzled until the truth is revealed... God's law... that gives a person the right to betray and deceive, and even take it as a genuine right.

I am broken my friends 

My faith in Love, in Faithfulness, in something great, pure, and beautiful that can defy the ugliness of the world is gone

I am Tired my friends

weary and consumed... year after year, convincing myself that everything is going to be ok... but it was never ok... I couldn't make myself accept the ugly situation and continue to look into the other side as if it doesn't exist

I am sad my friends

It is the one I love so much, and always willing to give my all to, and willing to do anything for, and willing to take a million extra mile for... oh.. it is the one I believed in, the one i never thought that he will hurt me that much.. hurt me that deep.. hurt me without remorse... hurt me without regret

This is not how it was supposed to be... this is not how it was supposed to end if ever end 

Now I am looking and thinking... What's left now?

What's left of my life, and What's left of my self

nothing much actually... I am a shell of who I use to be, an empty shell, eaten up from inside, anger and pain feasted on me... slowly and unceasingly 

I have to save what remains of me... for me... for my little sunshine... we deserve peace, we deserve a better tomorrow where there is no room for anger and sadness... betrayal and deceiving... lies under various reasons... under the flashing bright sign of God's law

I dont know if I will make it

I dont know if I can

but I owe it to myself to try

success and failure is not what I am thinking about now... it is survival... 

My strange Idea of the Day

I am a Survivor of God's Law 

Season of the Witch

Soon will begin the season of the witches 

Fall... when the whole face of the earth is changing… and the hidden witch inside me come to life… out of her cocoon… welcoming a new chapter... using the magical gift that she was blessed with

Fall has always been my comfort season... it is so beautiful where I live... colors and chilly breeze... and a cozy smell in the air

I need to prepare a selection of warm drinks, cozy sweaters, and a list of enchanting music

I need to satisfy the urge of writing, and reading.. defy the addiction to colorful screens that show me everyday how ugly the world is

I need to redirect my energy... summon my phoenix spirit to rise 

I need to love myself more... to take care of myself more... to tell myself that all will be ok 

I need the witch inside to show her face to the world, the resilient and the able... the one with magic that can do all 

I need.. and I want... and I hope that I will

My strange idea for Today

Let the witch rise... let the magic begin 

Somewhere Else

And who doesn't want to be somewhere else

And who doesn't want to be someone else

Different life, Different destiny, Different self

Will I be happier? Will it be easier? will my dreams come true? will all the pain that  I am going through disappear?

I need to heal, to stand again, to recognize my blessings, and leave all of this darkness and burning pain behind

Arms of my demons pulling me deeper

I will fight

I will try to fight

I cant fight

I need to heal, I need to be free from my own darkness, from self pity, from looking back 

burning fire of anger is licking my existence, sucking reason out of me

I will defend my being

I will try

I cant

I need to heal, I need my weapons

my weapons... my book... my papers... my magical words, and magical worlds... they are my salvation

facing the tempest... facing the demons... Extinguish the fire

and my strange idea for today is

I will be someone else, and I will create my somewhere else 

 

 

Few days ago i came across someone who call herself a poet with millions of followers praising her words

I was surprised at how she is so popular, and i started to think that it is not the words but more like the look 

The words are not deep… are not eloquent… are basic

I remembered my fear of showing my words to the world, despite the support i had from the few who read them… those who said that my words make them think and dream and feel 

And now i a m facing this question: What did i do with my words, with my talent to weave a state of mind felt by the heart and nourish the soul?

Nothing 

Am i lazy? Or i am just afraid of rejection?

I keep telling myself what can ever happen? It wont be worst than burying my dream

I always dreamed of traveling and writing 

This is my dream, this is what i want to do 

And this is how i want my life to be from now on 

My main problem am not a social media girl and I don’t know how to promote my words like others do… i am totally in the dark 

In this world, it is to enough to write… in the middle of the writers’ tsunami i will simply be lost 

I have to put a flashlight on top of my words to be seen 

And I don’t know how to do that

It is a dielamm 

It is an obstacle, a barrier, a lock 

And i need to find the key

My strange idea for today

I am a sleuth trying to find the key

I am fine