November 18, 2008
every day a dream
i am not pessimistic ... i am realistic
November 12, 2008
i dunno who she is .. she is no blogger ... she is just a passer by
i found her sweet comment today ... as usual touched the hidden dream in me ...
on the post "let it rain" she commented with 4 words "People should read this" ...
reading her comment draw a smile ... and send me to dreams ... to remember others who have the same opinion
i have to release my words.. to the whole world .. even the vast virtual space we all live in is not enough ..
i fly .. i fly
so high ... so high
but i face a ceiling
to the right ... to the left
sealed windows and doors
i fall .. and fall
and take my words with me
hide them inside
and dream that one day we will be free
My strange Idea for Today
November 03, 2008
4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOD! i hate it when i sleep early, and wake up even earlier than my usual time...
this time.. the time when silence is dominating over the kingdom of man... for me it is the most peacful time of the day... and the most fearful
why peacful? well, as i said, silence, everybody is asleep, and if not, they are too weary to make any annoying activities.
and why fearful!! cause i think.. it is not that i dont think 24/7, but my thoughts are deeper and i find myself communicating with the thing i am trying to hide from ...
4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love this hour specifically... maybe cause i am fond of even numbers .. so u can imagine what are my favorite hours :D 12, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
they are my hours of luck .. or maybe that is what i wanna convince myself with... am superstitious !!
4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i started to bla bla bla already ... i was going to write about something, and here i am talking about something else ! grrrrrrrrrrrr my restless mind !
ok .. let me try again...
My beloved readers ... I FEEL NOT
No doubt in that
and no joke about that
couple of days ago i saw the movie "pirats of the carribean - the curse of the black pearl" , some pirates were cursed, and the curse is to live without feeling .. strangely enough i know how it feels lol ...
c that... i know how it feels not to feel lol
i told my younger sister that other day "do you know how it is when you eat menth sweets and then drink cold water... it gives you a cold refreshing feeling in your throat and cheast.. for me .. i feel the same all the time ... but in the place of my heart"
the poor thing was looking at me with wide speechless eyes... it is either she thinks i am crazy, or feel pitty for me... or doesnt understand a single word of what i am saying..
i am not exagerating
but i feel not i hardly can call what i feel ... a feeling
i feel no joy
i feel no sadness
i feel no worry
i feel no fear
i feel no pleasure
i feel no love
i feel no passion
i feel no sympathy
i feel no compassion
i feel not
i feel nothing
there are only two feelings consuming me and turning me to the creature i am
the fire of anger
and the coldness of loneliness
they have destroyed my senses.. my feelings... me
Hard to beleive ... hard to imagine ... feelings are like trees ... if not fed with pure water, fresh air, and loving care ... they dies
the worst thing is that it hurts physically .. not just emotionally !!
ps: this one is for you Sherif for you always see the bright side in matters... i may write about love... or joy... or beautifl magical things... but they are mere imagination, which doesnt belong to this world .. just live in a world of my own creation.
Heart of Stone .. Heart of Ice ..
I Shall Die Young
October 10, 2008
October 07, 2008
I don't feel ok ...
no no.. it is not the being a witch thing :)... change cannot be that fast i suppose.. it is something else .. something that makes me feel abnormal
it is all about a simple question..why do i feel strange and quiet disturbed when i hear words such as :
- you are the only one who make me feel like a real man
- you make me feel complete
- i feel i know all women by only knowing you
- you are all women
- you are a goddess
- a man can never experience a moment of boredom with you
any other woman would fly till the seventh sky hearing those words ... but i dont
such words make me think.. they make me look inside in a trial to search why a man would say such words to a woman... and why despite of all this ... i have never been lucky in a relationship!!
it is not enough to be beautiful... it is not enough to be intelligent... and it is not enough to be passionate, compassionate and kind to succeed in a relationship
god :) i cant believe what i am writing
if all of this is not enough, so what is enough
if i am every woman... if i am that beautiful and intelligent.. if i am that feminine why for god sake why i am a looser!! :(
it is midnight already... i think i have to stop asking such silly questions and head to bed... tomorrow is going to be the hardest day ever ... first day to work after ramadan good night my friends ..
and hey ... answer this question: when a man tells a woman "you make me feel like a real man"? and what he really means with that!!
i always meet the right person at the very wrong time
immortal is a dead end
October 05, 2008
i curse the day in which i discovered the website "Scribd"... and the day i searched for ancient gods materials ... at the day i found a document that greatly attract my interest... the document title is "freemasonry and the hidden goddess"... the document search in goddess worshiping signs in the images of the Freemasons ... and speaking of a matriarchal societies that once lived in peace.
one thing led to the other, and i find myself reading in Taoism, and its holy book tao te ching... the history of Freemasons... the ancient goddesses... archeological discoveries.. tantra philosophy... sacred sex ... and Wicca
strangely i find most of the texts and principles familiar .. too familiar actually.. they are simply materialize my believes in words .. i believed in many of these things even before i know they exist !!
suddenly my strange ideas started to have a meaning... my flashes started to be meaningful ... the voices i hear are true
i am not delusioned as some may thing .. i have just been reincarnated in the very wrong place, with the very wrong people
in another life i was a priestess...
my problem now is that i dont wanna reveal more of my hidden knowledge to myself ... cause i dont wanna practice those pagan rituals... and different magikal spells
i remember a freind of mine told me that when he started to read about these things he got scared .. so he stopped reading and closed all discussions about this matter... he said that sometimes ignorance is a bless... and he called me crazy for thinking about these things
i dunno how to keep myself from doing so.. i feel as if a black hole is sucking me in
i dont wanna be a witch
i dont wanna go back to my old self
i wanna be just normal
August 20, 2008
Those who don't know me will never think that I may be in drugs
I am addicted
I am out of control
And my drugs are the only thing that keeps me alive
I am addicted
I am loosing connection
And my drugs are the only thing that keeps what remains of me
i feel as if my mind is surrounded by thick mist... I see no light... I see no darkness... and i hear no sound
i am flowing softly ... carried by wind... kissed by petals... hugged by rivers... and the mist ... oh the beautiful mist... is everywhere... I see nothing... I just feel what the mist wants me to feel...
My drugs are the gate to heaven... or to hell ... it doesn't matter... the mist knows ... the mist know
I tried to hold to the Conscious rock... to those around me... to life... to friends... to family... even to him ... they faintly call my name ... but the mist keep all voices off... the mist contains my fear... and realizes my dreams ... the mist knows... the mist knows...
What do you all want from me!! Leave me with my drugs ... leave me with my mists... go away all of you... I cant stand up... my body is loose ... I want to sleeeeep... the mist knows... yes it knows
My Strange Idea for Today
I am Addicted to Thinking
I am Drugged with Dreams
August 19, 2008
you made my day
a) Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle.
b) For each question, press the next button to get you answer.
c) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
All I Need – Air Supply - [i like to customize things, but believe me, all i need are simple things]
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Muzik – Knoc Turnal [my music, my life, my world, my soul, my dreams]
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Stranger in the Night – Frank Sinatra [i have this bad habit of trusting strangers more than who i know ... maybe cause all my terrible wounds comes from those who i know? never stop being a stranger ... ]
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
You are the one that I Want – Grease [mm i wonder which one... come out of the books' pages!!]
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
You are still the one – Shania Twin [God i hate this... it is so damn true ... and i am ... cursed...when i love, i love ... truly love]
6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Guru Bramha – Jai Uttal [Yeh, Right :)]
7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Life of a Stranger – Nadia [They are Strangers to each other, and to Me]
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Deadly Avenger – Day one [I Totally AGREE]
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
You took Me out of the Blues – Michael Learn to Rock [True... Sometimes, cause some other times no one ever can get me out]
10. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Love me Tender – Elvis [Please :(]
11. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Lezaman (Have to)– Mohamed Mounir [How did my ipod know about that ... i hate goodbyes, yet, i live with an endless serie of goodbyes]
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Murrons Burrial - Brave heart soundtrack [i am buried ... i suffocate... and i cant let go the chains.. i hate my ipod]
13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Fe youm men el ayam (one day) – Abd El Halim [i dont think so!!! or maybe i dont want to beleive so!!!]
14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I Know – Jude [I know is the motto of the aquarians ... but i dont think it fits a wedding, thought i want him to sing it to me]
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Je ne Vous Oublie pas (i will not forget you)– Celine Dion [i like that]
16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Gabaar (Mighty) – Abd El Halim [???????]
17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Viva Forever - Spice Girls [I am secretly in love with life]
18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
The Merciful one – Zohar [Some are !!]
19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
By Heart - Sylvie Lewis [open your heart and read within the words]
20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Breathing Soul– Babel Soundtrack [Yeh.. Right :)]
well, Shimaa tagged two of my favorits, so what remains to me are:
- Arabic ID
- Eyad Harfoush
August 12, 2008
Yesterday I slept early, after taking one hell of a medication to ease my stomach ach… and In the silence and the darkness of my room, and under the effect of the medication… I started to think about myself, and asked a very simple question… why am I still sleeping alone in my bed? Why there is no warmth of a human being by my side telling me that I am not alone!!
The answer was presented in the form of flashes of many faces I knew in my life… faces that carry a cheerful smile… turned into sadness when I got out of their circle and continued my path.
Some of them were really good men… loving… warm… and caring to a great extent… but the problem was about me … me… the runaway bride.
I can think of only one scene now… walking on a long road, dark, foggy, and silent… lights from afar … warm and bright… I long for warmth… for a tap on my shoulders… a man standing at the entrance of a lovely home with a beautiful garden and with open arms… I stay for a while… watch the home from outside… enjoy his company… but when it is time to get inside the house… to have a life… to share my days and bind myself eternally to him … I panic… and run… run with all my strength… run as if a monster following me … run thinking that I left my demons behind… but I find out that they were running right beside me
When I know that any of them got married and had a life, I smile… I could have been this wife… this mother… I could have been in this home… but instead I am walking in an endless path... dark.. foggy… and silent
I am the runaway bride
I am the lost soul on earth
I am the one who is blinded with fear
And not them
My strange idea for today
If I ever hurt you… please forgive me... please forgive my fear
Why I turned into a runaway bride??!! That is what you will know in my next post… hope soon
June 19, 2008
June 16, 2008
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder'
Til it was a battle cry
I'll come backWhen you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the warPick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'
Til they're before your eyes
You'll come backWhen they call you
No need to say goodbyeYou'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
My Strange Idea for Today
I have nothing to say... You know it all
Remember me... our world... and how we use to be
June 10, 2008
Where everything is beautiful, and… possible
Where all the feelings are fresh and young and … pure
Where the sun's golden rays embrace the flowers and the surface of the blue sea… and the sparrows sing with joy and content over the branches of the trees
But nothing remains the same… change is the soul of life… even if it was for the worst
Peter Pan, the ever young boy… the dreamy… the tender… lived in peace… until his shadow slipped in the real world… was struck by its charm… its fake colorful face… and went back to Neverland to tell peter pan about it all :
*it is a different world… where everything is real
-but it is also real in here… it is our land
*no it is not… even its name … NEVER land… the land that never and will never truly exist
-but we are happy and free
*we will be happy and free too… we will do everything we want… and others will highly perceive us… we will be men… not just boys.
-but… we are magical boys
*still boys … you have to grow up… be a man…I am going there … if you want to join… you know where to find me
The shadow left… and Peter pan was torn apart … between his desire to remain ever young… to live in his own world… to enjoy peace and magic… and between his shadow's desire to grow… and become a man
The shadow was pulled inside the whirlpool of life… taken deep and deeper… responsibilities and duties… peter pan couldn’t suffer any longer… he wants to be whole again… so … he surrendered and … chose to grow
He chose to leave Neverland… and live in the real world
He chose to be a man … and loose connection with the child inside
Still a part of him cries for Neverland... but … he managed to silence it
And that was the story of the boy who chose to grow
I know it is not easy to live in two worlds… I know what it means to live something and feel something else… and I have to admit that I complained about it many times.
I tried once to grow … to be a woman and follow my shadow… to detach myself from the magical Neverland of my own creation… but I couldn’t manage to stay in the real world for long
Why being a man/ woman means to loose connection with our Neverland?
Why chose to wholly grow?
Why detach ourselves from the only place where we can breathe… and fly free?
Why life has to be tough and dry… while we have our own space of beautiful magic… why loose the dream… anything in life started with a dream
My fellow dreamers… don’t grow up… don’t loose the connection with the child inside… with the world we truly belong to… with magic, and beauty
:( Peter Pan… I wish you come back
My strange Idea for Today
I will not Grow Up
June 09, 2008
I know that when you look at me
Theres so much that you just dont see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart youd find
A girl whos scared sometimes
Who isnt always strong
Cant you see the hurt in me? I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you (oooh)
I wanna run to you (oooh)
Wont you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away
Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
Theres nobody there, no one cares for me
Whats the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much...
My strnage Idea for Today
May 23, 2008
The most peaceful morning in the week
Sun... Silence... Whispers of trees... and Songs of flying birds
Sweet soft breezes... show themselves in shyness
Thinking of a passing phrase in a tv show :
"Ideologies Separate US .... Dreams Bring Us together"
You know me... you know how these things echos in my mind ... you know how happy i am to listen to the truth said by a mortal tongue .. the victory of dreams over reality... and spirituality over materiality
Few words said it all
Thoughts of minds and physical ideas separate humans... create conflicts... plant hatred... you know how religious obsession can do ... gender discrimination... educational levels... sexual ideas... all what has to do with following human ideas ... yes human ... for god is love... and love is the core of life... and life is about peace... peace inside with the oneself and outside with the others
Dreams... things you cant touch... you cannot see in the day light... you cannot smell ... non materialistic ideas ... flowing thoughts of souls... hope... wishes... prayers .... they are what bring humans together
This is how god created us
Humans are doing all what they can to despise their spirituality, and dress it with stupid reality
the bond with dreams... with other worlds and other lives ... the bond of the inner you.... of unknown universes... of the nature around
They call it dreams
They call it spiritual
I call it life
My ideology is that the whole universe is one big place
and we are free souls to travel around ... only if we give ourselves a chance to do so
It is not about materialistic feelings
It is about what your spiritual believes
So fly free
and let your ideas run around nature...
I love dreams ... I wish i was a Dream... in a Dream... and From a Dream
May 20, 2008
May 07, 2008
April 30, 2008
Forged by Vulcan, the god of fire... gifted by Aphrodite, Hermes, and Zeus himself... so she became a master peace of all what a woman can be, and all what a man can ever dream of
Beautiful... with a face and body made of moonlight, capture the eyes, and lock he desires to be hers only
Eloquent... with a tongue that spell whoever listen or read her words... her magical words
Curious... seek to know, and reveal the misty clouds that covers the unknown even if it mean her doom - she opened the box where all evil reside... le it go and curse the world of humans, and nothing remain but hope
do i see a similarity here??? GOD... has gifted me as they say... with innocent beauty, expressive tongue, smart analytical mind, and unsatisfied curiosity ... but these gifts became a curse and caused me lots of problems, from which i slip with miracles
as Pandora... nothing left for ME but HOPE... hope things will be better, hope people will open up a little... hope for me to open my eyes on my gifts and exploit them for the good ... hope to believe that i am no freak... and i am just as normal as others
I am Legend ... :(
April 19, 2008
why not living in dreams... in a world of my own creation
where all my wishes for a true love... and a home... come true
where all the wishes of security... comfort... and containment come true
where all the demons, shadows, ghosts vanish
so why not living in dreams ? if there is no other better choice??
i live only in dreams...
and in reality... i am a dead soul
My Strange Idea for Today:
Writing is a Bless
March 30, 2008
March 24, 2008
Unlike my usual shower attitude, I laid down in the bathtub… let hot delicious water pour over me… enjoy the sweet feeling of relaxation it generates – to both my Body and Soul.
Only then, my flashes start to get clearer… and my shower thoughts pour all over me just like the hot water.
The water is almost under my chin… I lay further… let the water cover my hair and ears… only my nose and eyes are above the surface… starring at the ceiling… and the drops of water hanged there, wishing for a proper burial in my hand made sea.
Listen to my heavy breathing
Listen to the sound of life coming out of me
I wonder! Here and now, in this typical place for committing suicide
What can ever stop me from cutting my veins? I have access to razors, seems very tempting… huh
Or even lay down and breath water… allow the element of life and death to pour inside me … wash me … fill me
Maybe a little electric device … et voila… I am dead
Why death seems a very tempting idea now!
Why can't I end my life as simple as that
Ending life is so easy
Starting life is almost impossible
The idea is devouring me… leaving no space at all… my breathing gets heavier.. I fought to stand and looked around with amazement… strange thoughts are coming to me nowadays
I started to wash my weary body; it feels good when I am clean, smells like sweet heavenly strawberries… I stared to the mirror in front of me… wondering .. It is so easy to clean the dirt outside … but what can ever clean the dirt inside!!!
My strange Idea for Today
My Bathroom is Hunted … with my others' Thoughts!!!!!!!!!
March 21, 2008
The 21st of March… The first day of the beautiful reviving spring… my sister’s birthday… and of course… Mother’s day.
It is a day full of life… a symbol of birth, and fertility
A day when Mother earth give birth to a new face, for the aged world, worn out by winter
A day when flower blossoms start to crawl over tree branches, coloring our busy days…
A day when I smile and secretly wish for a happier time … smelling the scent of life emerging from everything around.
Maybe that is why this day is chosen to celebrate the mother’s day!
Mother’s day… I rather call it … The Day of the Feminine power
Power to give life
To change hard conditions into favorable ones
To contain the whole world with all its complications in between our tiny hands
To guide the human souls with ideas, and secretly hidden intelligence
To fight for the best of our beloved
To sacrifice ceaselessly with all what we own... even ourselves
Mother’s day, is every woman’s day… for being a mother is a built in feature, god planted its seed… and let it grow into a great sacred tree
A tree that feed, shade, spill wisdom, and give pleasure
I dedicate today’s greetings to:
Every mother on earth or up in heaven – May god bless their tender souls
who takes care of her parents
who take cares of her brothers and sisters
who shares to put a smile on the face of poor and orphans
who contains and love her man (bf, husband ..)
who feeds an animal and show mercy to all god’s creatures
who cherish friendship and is always around to spread cheers, and contain tears and fears
Every Girl/Woman who knows the true meaning of being a woman… of being the bearer of the feminine power… and realizes the gift that changed the face of the world.
All men who curse women… who are too arrogant, and afraid to admit our sacred power … remember that Adam asked God for Eve - *wink
So happy Mother’s day my fellow females … May god bless our feminine powers inside.
My strange Idea for today
We are all mothers
March 02, 2008
Sadness is a Disease ... With no CURE
January 29, 2008
Is it the tiny water drops that fall from above… fall to clean and wash the weary face of the world
Is It the pure water of the sky that hold the hand of the being and help it to get into a mysterious status of serenity, calmness, maybe little shades of sadness… sweet sadness
What is rain … truly what is rain
What is rain for you
Is it like it for me
Since I was a kid, and I always loved rain,,, loved to stretch my hand out of the window and feel the cold chilly drops on my warm tiny hands
I tried to taste it
I always thought it is holly water … why not … it comes from above… that makes it holly right?
I see an agreeing smile upon your lips… whispering yeh right J
Tell you something
I love so much the drip drip voice… and the weshhh weshhh voice… I love the fresh smell it gives to the world… and I love the song it sings with trees and blossoms … I love to walk in the rain and feel the holly water washing my face… washing away my pain.. washing away the stiffness that diseased my life
These were thoughts of years ago… but now I have a more mature perception of rain.. more mature definition… more realistic
The tear drops of angels and fairies who live in the high clouds... they gather themselves from now and then in a hall made of crystal water over the high cloudy hills… decorated with scented flowers … the sacred frangipani…sit all together in a wide circle and cry
Cry for us
For our misery
For our loneliness
And our alienation
Cry and call our names to purify ourselves
To let go our sadness with their sadness
It cannot be more real than that … can it be!!
Let it rain … let it rain
Wash my pain
Don’t drop in vain
Let it rain let it rain
My strange idea for today:
I believe in fairies
January 07, 2008
Excuse my language, but I couldn’t find a better word to describe how things can deviate from its course.
Why we screw up!!
The Devil’s whispers?
Why we always blame the Devil!
Why not the inner hidden self?
God has warned us from our inner selves and the damages it can do to our lives… the bad it commands… the bad it wishes for us
it is not always the devil
It is us
We are the devils of this earth
My strange idea for today
Inside each one of us … is a devil’s soul