November 18, 2008

It is Autumn

i wrote before about my dreams... usually they are of the exhausting type... suck my energy.. and leave me weary..
lately i am exposed to a set of "Dreams that carries a message"... this use to happen to me from time to time ... but since the beginning of this week... i am having them on daily basis

every day a dream
every day i see symbols
everyday i receive a message ... from god maybe .. from my inner self maybe ..
I cant say they are all bad .. but they are so exhausting .. so so so exhausting ..

my soul leaves my body every night ... roam in worlds of dreams .. fight.. cry.. kill .. die .. die .. die
years ago i thought myself a principal ... and a rule about expectations
the rule is simple : don't expect, and if you do .. always expect the worst

i am not pessimistic ... i am realistic

nothing good comes from life .. or those who live in it...
Music and Nescafe
they share one characteristic ... i am addicted to both!!

i hardly take of my ipod earphone ... and i hardly stop drinking nescafe during the day

both are slow killers

music is killing my sense of reality... my gate to runaway
and nescafe is killing my stomach.. and my brain... make me thin (which is cool lol )

I don't care:

i don't care if i lived
i don't care if i died

i don't care if i am happy
i don't care if i am sad
i don't care if i am real
i don't care if i am a ghost
blank .. silent blank space ..
sweet sad November ... my favorite month ... the time when angels call for peace

ending .. finally .. one of the lousiest years of my life

my name is the research dept. ... true .. as there is only one person in this dept. and this person is me..........................LOADED

My Strange Idea for Today

Isn't what you read strange enough !!!

November 12, 2008


Tabitha is the name ..
i dunno who she is .. she is no blogger ... she is just a passer by

i found her sweet comment today ... as usual touched the hidden dream in me ...

on the post "let it rain" she commented with 4 words "People should read this" ...

reading her comment draw a smile ... and send me to dreams ... to remember others who have the same opinion

one conclusion
i have to release my words.. to the whole world .. even the vast virtual space we all live in is not enough ..

knocking on the gates of my dreams
i wish to be a writer ...

but i am afraid

i fear failure

i fear ......... realizing the dream

fear is sealing my senses

and left me wordless and dreamless

people beleive in me.. but how about me!!!


i fly .. i fly
so high ... so high
but i face a ceiling

to the right ... to the left
sealed windows and doors

i fall .. and fall
and take my words with me
hide them inside
and dream that one day we will be free

My strange Idea for Today

i stopped calling myself a blogger... a writer...

or anything that has to do with words

November 03, 2008

I Feel NOT !!!

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD! i hate it when i sleep early, and wake up even earlier than my usual time...

this time.. the time when silence is dominating over the kingdom of man... for me it is the most peacful time of the day... and the most fearful

why peacful? well, as i said, silence, everybody is asleep, and if not, they are too weary to make any annoying activities.

and why fearful!! cause i think.. it is not that i dont think 24/7, but my thoughts are deeper and i find myself communicating with the thing i am trying to hide from ...

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this hour specifically... maybe cause i am fond of even numbers .. so u can imagine what are my favorite hours :D 12, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

they are my hours of luck .. or maybe that is what i wanna convince myself with... am superstitious

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i started to bla bla bla already ... i was going to write about something, and here i am talking about something else ! grrrrrrrrrrrr my restless mind !

ok .. let me try again...

My beloved readers ... I FEEL NOT

No doubt in that

and no joke about that

couple of days ago i saw the movie "pirats of the carribean - the curse of the black pearl" , some pirates were cursed, and the curse is to live without feeling .. strangely enough i know how it feels lol ...

c that... i know how it feels not to feel lol

i told my younger sister that other day "do you know how it is when you eat menth sweets and then drink cold water... it gives you a cold refreshing feeling in your throat and cheast.. for me .. i feel the same all the time ... but in the place of my heart"

the poor thing was looking at me with wide speechless eyes... it is either she thinks i am crazy, or feel pitty for me... or doesnt understand a single word of what i am saying..

i am not exagerating

but i feel not
i hardly can call what i feel ... a feeling

i feel no joy

i feel no sadness
i feel no worry

i feel no fear

i feel no pleasure

i feel no love

i feel no passion

i feel no sympathy

i feel no compassion

i feel not

i feel nothing

there are only two feelings consuming me and turning me to the creature i am

the fire of anger

and the coldness of loneliness

they have destroyed my senses.. my feelings... me

Hard to beleive ... hard to imagine ... feelings are like trees ... if not fed with pure water, fresh air, and loving care ... they dies

the worst thing is that it hurts physically .. not just emotionally !!

ps: this one is for you Sherif for you always see the bright side in matters... i may write about love... or joy... or beautifl magical things... but they are mere imagination, which doesnt belong to this world .. just live in a world of my own creation.
My Strange Idea of Today

Heart of Stone .. Heart of Ice ..

I Shall Die Young

October 07, 2008

i wonder!!!

I don't feel ok ...

no no.. it is not the being a witch thing :)... change cannot be that fast i suppose.. it is something else .. something that makes me feel abnormal

it is all about a simple question..why do i feel strange and quiet disturbed when i hear words such as :

- you are the only one who make me feel like a real man
- you make me feel complete

- i feel i know all women by only knowing you

- you are all women

- you are a goddess

- a man can never experience a moment of boredom with you

any other woman would fly till the seventh sky hearing those words ... but i dont

such words make me think.. they make me look inside in a trial to search why a man would say such words to a woman... and why despite of all this ... i have never been lucky in a relationship!!

it is not enough to be beautiful... it is not enough to be intelligent... and it is not enough to be passionate, compassionate and kind to succeed in a relationship

god :) i cant believe what i am writing

if all of this is not enough, so what is enough

if i am every woman... if i am that beautiful and intelligent.. if i am that feminine why for god sake why i am a looser!!


it is midnight already... i think i have to stop asking such silly questions and head to bed... tomorrow is going to be the hardest day ever ... first day to work after ramadan
good night my friends ..

and hey ... answer this question: when a man tells a woman "you make me feel like a real man"? and what he really means with that!!

My Strange Idea for Today

i always meet the right person at the very wrong time

immortal is a dead end

October 05, 2008

I dont wanna be a WITCH!!!

my friends..
i curse the day in which i discovered the website "Scribd"... and the day i searched for ancient gods materials ... at the day i found a document that greatly attract my interest... the document title is "freemasonry and the hidden goddess"... the document search in goddess worshiping signs in the images of the Freemasons ... and speaking of a matriarchal societies that once lived in peace.

one thing led to the other, and i find myself reading in Taoism, and its holy book tao te ching... the history of Freemasons... the ancient goddesses... archeological discoveries.. tantra philosophy... sacred sex ... and Wicca

strangely i find most of the texts and principles familiar .. too familiar actually.. they are simply materialize my believes in words .. i believed in many of these things even before i know they exist !!

suddenly my strange ideas started to have a meaning... my flashes started to be meaningful ... the voices i hear are true

i am not delusioned as some may thing .. i have just been reincarnated in the very wrong place, with the very wrong people

in another life i was a priestess...

my problem now is that i dont wanna reveal more of my hidden knowledge to myself ... cause i dont wanna practice those pagan rituals... and different magikal spells

i remember a freind of mine told me that when he started to read about these things he got scared .. so he stopped reading and closed all discussions about this matter... he said that sometimes ignorance is a bless... and he called me crazy for thinking about these things

i dunno how to keep myself from doing so.. i feel as if a black hole is sucking me in


my strange idea for today
i dont wanna be a witch
i dont wanna go back to my old self
i wanna be just normal

August 20, 2008

Believe it or Not... I am in Drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a shocking fact...

Those who don't know me will never think that I may be in drugs
and those who know me personally, will be definitely shocked ... they saw me, they dealt with me ... we laughed, we ate, we discussed different matters ... and they never noticed that i am an addict... and drugged


I am addicted
I am out of control
And my drugs are the only thing that keeps me alive

I am addicted
I am loosing connection
And my drugs are the only thing that keeps what remains of me


i feel as if my mind is surrounded by thick mist... I see no light... I see no darkness... and i hear no sound

i am flowing softly ... carried by wind... kissed by petals... hugged by rivers... and the mist ... oh the beautiful mist... is everywhere... I see nothing... I just feel what the mist wants me to feel...

My drugs are the gate to heaven... or to hell ... it doesn't matter... the mist knows ... the mist know

I tried to hold to the Conscious rock... to those around me... to life... to friends... to family... even to him ... they faintly call my name ... but the mist keep all voices off... the mist contains my fear... and realizes my dreams ... the mist knows... the mist knows...

What do you all want from me!! Leave me with my drugs ... leave me with my mists... go away all of you... I cant stand up... my body is loose ... I want to sleeeeep... the mist knows... yes it knows


My Strange Idea for Today

I am Addicted to Thinking

I am Drugged with Dreams

August 19, 2008

Tagged ... My Ipod is Psychic

Ok, i wanna thank insomniac for letting shimaa go out of her shell, and i wanna thank shimaa for doing the same with me ... what i like that this tag is not an ordinary one ... it is so special .. and with few words let you know about yourself ... it plays on the perception .. for Ex: the word goodbye can be painful to some, and cheerful to some ... goodbye my lover, or goodbye hard times ... it depends on the oneself ... so giving it a try was fun .. and i hope those i tagged have the same

thanks girls
you made my day

a) Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle.
b) For each question, press the next button to get you answer.

After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.

All I Need – Air Supply - [i like to customize things, but believe me, all i need are simple things]

Muzik – Knoc Turnal [my music, my life, my world, my soul, my dreams]

Stranger in the Night – Frank Sinatra [i have this bad habit of trusting strangers more than who i know ... maybe cause all my terrible wounds comes from those who i know? never stop being a stranger ... ]

You are the one that I Want – Grease [mm i wonder which one... come out of the books' pages!!]

You are still the one – Shania Twin [God i hate this... it is so damn true ... and i am ... cursed...when i love, i love ... truly love]

Guru Bramha – Jai Uttal [Yeh, Right :)]

Life of a Stranger – Nadia [They are Strangers to each other, and to Me]

Deadly Avenger – Day one [I Totally AGREE]

You took Me out of the Blues – Michael Learn to Rock [True... Sometimes, cause some other times no one ever can get me out]

Love me Tender – Elvis [Please :(]

Lezaman (Have to)– Mohamed Mounir [How did my ipod know about that ... i hate goodbyes, yet, i live with an endless serie of goodbyes]

Murrons Burrial - Brave heart soundtrack [i am buried ... i suffocate... and i cant let go the chains.. i hate my ipod]

Fe youm men el ayam (one day) – Abd El Halim [i dont think so!!! or maybe i dont want to beleive so!!!]

I Know – Jude [I know is the motto of the aquarians ... but i dont think it fits a wedding, thought i want him to sing it to me]

Je ne Vous Oublie pas (i will not forget you)– Celine Dion [i like that]

Gabaar (Mighty) – Abd El Halim [???????]

Viva Forever - Spice Girls [I am secretly in love with life]

The Merciful one – Zohar [Some are !!]

By Heart - Sylvie Lewis [open your heart and read within the words]

Breathing Soul– Babel Soundtrack [Yeh.. Right :)]


well, Shimaa tagged two of my favorits, so what remains to me are:
- Arabic ID
- Xero
- Eyad Harfoush

My Strange Idea for Today

I Love My IPOD

August 12, 2008

The Runaway Bride

Ok .. I admit it… I am a runaway bride!!!

Yesterday I slept early, after taking one hell of a medication to ease my stomach ach… and In the silence and the darkness of my room, and under the effect of the medication… I started to think about myself, and asked a very simple question… why am I still sleeping alone in my bed? Why there is no warmth of a human being by my side telling me that I am not alone!!

The answer was presented in the form of flashes of many faces I knew in my life… faces that carry a cheerful smile… turned into sadness when I got out of their circle and continued my path.

Some of them were really good men… loving… warm… and caring to a great extent… but the problem was about me … me… the runaway bride.

I can think of only one scene now… walking on a long road, dark, foggy, and silent… lights from afar … warm and bright… I long for warmth… for a tap on my shoulders… a man standing at the entrance of a lovely home with a beautiful garden and with open arms… I stay for a while… watch the home from outside… enjoy his company… but when it is time to get inside the house… to have a life… to share my days and bind myself eternally to him … I panic… and run… run with all my strength… run as if a monster following me … run thinking that I left my demons behind… but I find out that they were running right beside me

When I know that any of them got married and had a life, I smile… I could have been this wife… this mother… I could have been in this home… but instead I am walking in an endless path... dark.. foggy… and silent

I am the runaway bride
I am the lost soul on earth
I am the one who is blinded with fear

And not them

My strange idea for today

If I ever hurt you… please forgive me... please forgive my fear

Why I turned into a runaway bride??!! That is what you will know in my next post… hope soon

June 19, 2008

Today's Thought

I feel like writing and writing ... about many things and different things that covers all my life aspects... I wanna rewrite my CV, a good cover lettre, my book chapters, deeper thoughts ... I even think of sending topics to specialized magazines

My finger tips aches for the lettres, for the keyboard ... and my mind is ready to spill all its thughts :)

I also feel like learning something new... and guess what i choosed ?!


some people would say this is nonsence, and some others will be reluctant and say maybe why not... but i read once that tarots were used to carry hidden messages during the times of christian church opression... and i believe that tarot cards carry stories and glimpses of ancient spirits that lived once and knew a lot about this universe and how it works, and the secrets of life !!!

so i decided today to start my quest in knowing the secrets of life

I also decided to start a serie of different writing ... reincarnation

I have spoke to a some freinds about that... and the discussion led me to the possibility of this theory, and that it was not totally denied by religions ... i believe that those inside me are the spirits that stayed from ancient time ... so i will write about reincarnation of me in different lives ... how i was... what i learned... as an attempt to understand me !!! and how i became the one i am !!!

stay around ... for a mysterious time =)

My strange idea for today

I want to Know... I want to Believe

June 16, 2008

The Call... For You

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder'

Til it was a battle cry

I'll come backWhen you call me

No need to say goodbye


Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never been this way before

All you can do is try to know who your friends are

As you head off to the warPick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye


Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'

Til they're before your eyes

You'll come backWhen they call you

No need to say goodbyeYou'll come back

When they call you

No need to say goodbye


My Strange Idea for Today

I have nothing to say... You know it all

Remember me... our world... and how we use to be

June 10, 2008

The Boy Who Chose to Grow

Peter pan… the boy who lived in Neverland… the magical land
Where everything is beautiful, and… possible
Where all the feelings are fresh and young and … pure
Where the sun's golden rays embrace the flowers and the surface of the blue sea… and the sparrows sing with joy and content over the branches of the trees

But nothing remains the same… change is the soul of life… even if it was for the worst

Peter Pan, the ever young boy… the dreamy… the tender… lived in peace… until his shadow slipped in the real world… was struck by its charm… its fake colorful face… and went back to Neverland to tell peter pan about it all :

*it is a different world… where everything is real
-but it is also real in here… it is our land
*no it is not… even its name … NEVER land… the land that never and will never truly exist
-but we are happy and free
*we will be happy and free too… we will do everything we want… and others will highly perceive us… we will be men… not just boys.
-but… we are magical boys
*still boys … you have to grow up… be a man…I am going there … if you want to join… you know where to find me

The shadow left… and Peter pan was torn apart … between his desire to remain ever young… to live in his own world… to enjoy peace and magic… and between his shadow's desire to grow… and become a man

The shadow was pulled inside the whirlpool of life… taken deep and deeper… responsibilities and duties… peter pan couldn’t suffer any longer… he wants to be whole again… so … he surrendered and … chose to grow

He chose to leave Neverland… and live in the real world
He chose to be a man … and loose connection with the child inside

Still a part of him cries for Neverland... but … he managed to silence it

And that was the story of the boy who chose to grow


I know it is not easy to live in two worlds… I know what it means to live something and feel something else… and I have to admit that I complained about it many times.

I tried once to grow … to be a woman and follow my shadow… to detach myself from the magical Neverland of my own creation… but I couldn’t manage to stay in the real world for long

Why being a man/ woman means to loose connection with our Neverland?
Why chose to wholly grow?
Why detach ourselves from the only place where we can breathe… and fly free?
Why life has to be tough and dry… while we have our own space of beautiful magic… why loose the dream… anything in life started with a dream

My fellow dreamers… don’t grow up… don’t loose the connection with the child inside… with the world we truly belong to… with magic, and beauty

:( Peter Pan… I wish you come back

My strange Idea for Today

I will not Grow Up

June 09, 2008

Run to You :(

I know that when you look at me

Theres so much that you just dont see

But if you would only take the time

I know in my heart youd find

A girl whos scared sometimes

Who isnt always strong

Cant you see the hurt in me? I feel so all alone

I wanna run to you (oooh)

I wanna run to you (oooh)

Wont you hold me in your arms

And keep me safe from harm

I wanna run to you (oooh)

But if I come to you (oooh)

Tell me, will you stay or will you run away


Each day, each day I play the role

Of someone always in control

But at night I come home and turn the key

Theres nobody there, no one cares for me

Whats the sense of trying hard to find your dreams

Without someone to share it with

Tell me what does it mean?


I need you here

I need you here to wipe away my tears

To kiss away my fears

If you only knew how much...

My strnage Idea for Today


May 23, 2008

Between Ideology and Dream

It was Friday morning
The most peaceful morning in the week
Sun... Silence... Whispers of trees... and Songs of flying birds
Sweet soft breezes... show themselves in shyness

and me
and myself

Thinking of a passing phrase in a tv show :

"Ideologies Separate US .... Dreams Bring Us together"

You know me... you know how these things echos in my mind ... you know how happy i am to listen to the truth said by a mortal tongue .. the victory of dreams over reality... and spirituality over materiality

Few words said it all

Thoughts of minds and physical ideas separate humans... create conflicts... plant hatred... you know how religious obsession can do ... gender discrimination... educational levels... sexual ideas... all what has to do with following human ideas ... yes human ... for god is love... and love is the core of life... and life is about peace... peace inside with the oneself and outside with the others

Dreams... things you cant touch... you cannot see in the day light... you cannot smell ... non materialistic ideas ... flowing thoughts of souls... hope... wishes... prayers .... they are what bring humans together

This is how god created us

Humans are doing all what they can to despise their spirituality, and dress it with stupid reality
the bond with dreams... with other worlds and other lives ... the bond of the inner you.... of unknown universes... of the nature around

They call it dreams
They call it spiritual
I call it life

My ideology is that the whole universe is one big place
and we are free souls to travel around ... only if we give ourselves a chance to do so
It is not about materialistic feelings
It is about what your spiritual believes

So fly free
and let your ideas run around nature...

my strange idea for today

I love dreams ... I wish i was a Dream... in a Dream... and From a Dream

May 20, 2008

10 Things About ME... or About Myself !!!

I have been tagged by Sherif :)

First time ever :) and it is not easy at all ... write 10 things about me ?!

I stopped a lot in front of this tag... you know me, I have to analyse and think and search and look for reason and and and ... but it is truly puzzling ... if it was questions and answers, it would be a lot easier ... but ... it is one statement asking me to dive deep into my known - yet unknown - self .... and tell.

It is not only diving... it is not only a journey to things I rather hide and never face... it is also the act of telling... of revealing... which I never learn before I started blogging ... and even when I am blogging ... I draw stories and situations to explain a tiny feeling ... it is hard ... hard

But I will give it a try anyway ... it has been so long since my fingers spoke to my keyboard and I can consider that as my first attempt for bringing back relations to its normal track

10 Things About ME:

One: Hide in Dreams

I am a dreamer and you know that... I live between the pages of written words and you have noticed... since my early days... books of stories were my Friends... lines were my shelter... spend hours reading... dreaming... building worlds of my own creation... dream... I hide in dreams ... I do face bitter reality... but for a short while... then i go back home to my ... dreams.

Two: Senseless ... Heartless

Tell me beautiful words of love... of passion... of dreamy romance... and i will feel not!!

I loved once, and was slaughtered in the temple of agony and loneliness... a hole in my soul devoured my being slowly but steadily

To stop it... to survive... to live again .... I had to make a defence mechanism... turn my heart into an icy rock ... and my feelings to bars of iron ... locking me inside ... I built a shell around myself... layer after layer... and the more i add... the stronger I became... but the price was too expensive ... I lost my heart, my feelings... and my humanity... became a walking zombie ... but I wonder... like Pinocchio who wanted to be a real boy !! can i ever be a real woman again ?

Three: Cold ... Rude sometimes

If the person is not in my circle of interest... so I consider him/ her invisible

as much as I am so caring with people i like ... i am totally the opposite with others... to the extent of coldness sometimes... i believe that we shouldn't spell our feelings on everyone ... they are too precious and have to be given to those who deserve

Four: Mercy from god... humans can also be merciful

I think that one of the meanings associated with humans is mercy ... mercy for the weak ... for those who are less than us ... for the old... for the young... for the ignorant... for all god's souls even if it is a flower... or a tree .... mercy is a divine act that god try so hard to teach it to humans ... but do they really know that to be merciful means to be human ??

Five: Arrogant ... ME????

They say that I am a little bit arrogant ... and I have to admit that I sometimes give this impression.... but unintentionally ... unless the person him/her self is arrogant :)

I love to have my own space ... I love to have my own circle ... and because I am alienated so I usually don't talk to others about things I am interested in .. it is not my fault ... it is the others

One more thing gives this impression .... the way I walk... the way I look ... my nose are always facing the sky... my back is always straight... i walk on one line... like a queen ... like a goddess :) but natural ... no fake

Six: Stubborn... like rocky mountains

That is one thing I hate about myself ... cause it sometimes ... well usually cause me problems ... but I have a very good reason behind this ... my stubbornness is fed by my principals .. which are impossible to be changed unless you have a very very very very strong logic that may convince my mind

Seven: Blind Believer

God... the mighty... the merciful... I blindly believe in you

you give and take with unknown wisdom ... but I know deep in my heart that all what you do is for the good.

Eight: Multi-cultured ... Multi Faces

I was born in el sayeda zeinab... lived in haram... went to french school... mingled with people from different social classes ... I can be any ... and I can belong to any social class ... simple or sophisticated... I can be anyone... I can put on the dress of any woman... full of contradiction that I hardly can explain ... but i am learning how to deal with them

Nine: Hardly use artificial colors

I don't wear makeups ... and if I do ... I only put few lines ... I do that in purpose for I don't wanna attract attention to me ... I have simple peaceful innocent face lines ... not baby face ... a woman's face ... like the nymphs and goddesses drawn in Renaissance time ... and from innocence rise sexiness

I don't wear makeup for I have natural colors ... my skin reflects lights and glow like moon light ... my eyes are golden with rays of green... my cheeks are red naturally... my lips are rosy sometimes purple ... so tell me, why would I wear makeup?!!

Ten: See the Unseen ... Break the unbreakable

I am psychic, and possess a high level of transparency... I can see signs from god in everything around me ... and when I look into thee eyes.. I can tell what's inside

some of my dreams are symbolic .... and when I interpret them ... they happens ..

I know things ... people look at me with wide eyes and ask me how you know ... my answer is ... don't ask me... I just know ... my mind... my soul ... I know

I met men like mountains... they can manipulate whoever ... and impose their will on whoever... they tried the same with me ... but never succeeded ... the mountain is broken ... and washed away to unknown seas

Eleven: My Mind ... My Life :)

I appreciate my mind ... and I appreciate my principals ... and insulting them can never be forgiven ... so when dealing with me you have to be extra clear like water... I am smart enough to recognize lies, and hidden agendas :) so no need to play mr /mrs smart... cause I play dump but I understand everything going around

Twelve: Nature is my religion

I love nature ... every single tiny aspect of nature ... I love trees and flowers and clouds.. I love moonlight and twinkling stars ... and green glass... and fresh air... sea and waves and little colorful shells ... I love nature... yes I do

wow i wrote 12 thing not just 10... didn't expect that

My strange Idea for Today

You Still can Never Know Anything about ME!!

Send this tag to the following dear friends (if they didn't do it yet )

Shimaa Gamal




Agenda Hamra

May 07, 2008

I am ... Achilles

Of course many of you have seen the great movie TROY... and the major character played by my beloved Brad Pitt... Achilles

you will not believe me if i said that i just saw a part of it, few days ago... a beautiful movie, excellent choice of actors, and great performance... it attracted me with its beautiful music and the feeling it generates in my mind and soul... yeh yeh :) i am a classic myth fan, and i didnt see it :) why!! i dunno

Anyways what attracted me the most is a conversation between King Agamemnon and an advisor, speaking of Achilles

The king: but he cannot be controlled

The Advisor: you don't need to control him.... you need to unleash him

:) smiles upon the warm lips of those who know me well ... i feel that these words were written for me.... to deliver me a hidden message from god

these words rang in my head and made me realize that:

I don't need to cry for the blesses and graces god granted me

I don't need to hate the facts that i am another

I don't need to follow the mortal rules while i can go in my godly path

i don't need to control my feminine powers, my talents, my charm, my imagination, my life

all what i need to do is to unleash the real me... the one hidden and think she is a black duck, while she is a beautiful swan

I am Achilles

The rebellious

The gifted

The able

My Strange Idea for Today

Isn't this article strange enough for you :)

April 30, 2008

The Myth and Me

Reading nowadays classical myth from all world nations - as if my own mythical world is not enough - feeding my imagination and senses with beautiful stories, and marvelous explanations of every single aspect in life.

I am not only amazed by the beauty of the myth ... but by the wondrous human mind... that spins this coherent texture of myths, legends, and amazing complicated relations

But actually this is not the reason behind writing this post... it is that while reading each story i find myself in the place of one of the hero or heroine... or even something hidden inside me, but triggered by the story lines

Today I will talk about the GIFTED and the CURSED

Today I find myself in PANDORA "The gifted by all gods" "The cursed by all humans"

Pandora who was made to punish human race for using the gift of FIRE - given to them by Prometheus the TITAN... opposing the will of the gods to keep fire a godly matter, up in the Olympus

Forged by Vulcan, the god of fire... gifted by Aphrodite, Hermes, and Zeus himself... so she became a master peace of all what a woman can be, and all what a man can ever dream of

Beautiful... with a face and body made of moonlight, capture the eyes, and lock he desires to be hers only

Eloquent... with a tongue that spell whoever listen or read her words... her magical words

Curious... seek to know, and reveal the misty clouds that covers the unknown even if it mean her doom - she opened the box where all evil reside... le it go and curse the world of humans, and nothing remain but hope

do i see a similarity here??? GOD... has gifted me as they say... with innocent beauty, expressive tongue, smart analytical mind, and unsatisfied curiosity ... but these gifts became a curse and caused me lots of problems, from which i slip with miracles

as Pandora... nothing left for ME but HOPE... hope things will be better, hope people will open up a little... hope for me to open my eyes on my gifts and exploit them for the good ... hope to believe that i am no freak... and i am just as normal as others

My Strange IDEA for today

I am Legend ... :(

April 19, 2008

why not?

why not living in dreams... in a world of my own creation

where all my wishes for a true love... and a home... come true

where all the wishes of security... comfort... and containment come true

where all the demons, shadows, ghosts vanish

so why not living in dreams ? if there is no other better choice??

i live only in dreams...

and in reality... i am a dead soul

My Strange Idea for Today:

Writing is a Bless

March 30, 2008

Life is ...

Life is like an Intercourse :)

Sometimes it is soft and joyful !!

Sometimes it is rough and awarding !!!

but most of the time ...... it is a TOTAL RAPE :(

My Strange Idea for today

Enough ... Pls

March 24, 2008

Shower Thoughts

Last night I went to shower with a strange mood… blank mind, yet full of flashing ideas… don’t ask me how… it is exactly how I felt… I cannot express it any better or any less

Unlike my usual shower attitude, I laid down in the bathtub… let hot delicious water pour over me… enjoy the sweet feeling of relaxation it generates – to both my Body and Soul.

Only then, my flashes start to get clearer… and my shower thoughts pour all over me just like the hot water.

The water is almost under my chin… I lay further… let the water cover my hair and ears… only my nose and eyes are above the surface… starring at the ceiling… and the drops of water hanged there, wishing for a proper burial in my hand made sea.

Listen to my heavy breathing
Listen to the sound of life coming out of me

I wonder! Here and now, in this typical place for committing suicide
What can ever stop me from cutting my veins? I have access to razors, seems very tempting… huh
Or even lay down and breath water… allow the element of life and death to pour inside me … wash me … fill me
Maybe a little electric device … et voila… I am dead

Why death seems a very tempting idea now!
Why can't I end my life as simple as that
Ending life is so easy
Starting life is almost impossible

The idea is devouring me… leaving no space at all… my breathing gets heavier.. I fought to stand and looked around with amazement… strange thoughts are coming to me nowadays

I started to wash my weary body; it feels good when I am clean, smells like sweet heavenly strawberries… I stared to the mirror in front of me… wondering .. It is so easy to clean the dirt outside … but what can ever clean the dirt inside!!!

My strange Idea for Today

My Bathroom is Hunted … with my others' Thoughts!!!!!!!!!

March 21, 2008

It's Mother's Day

The 21st of March… The first day of the beautiful reviving spring… my sister’s birthday… and of course… Mother’s day.

It is a day full of life… a symbol of birth, and fertility

A day when Mother earth give birth to a new face, for the aged world, worn out by winter

A day when flower blossoms start to crawl over tree branches, coloring our busy days…

A day when I smile and secretly wish for a happier time … smelling the scent of life emerging from everything around.

Maybe that is why this day is chosen to celebrate the mother’s day!

Mother’s day… I rather call it … The Day of the Feminine power

Power to give life

To change hard conditions into favorable ones

To contain the whole world with all its complications in between our tiny hands

To guide the human souls with ideas, and secretly hidden intelligence

To fight for the best of our beloved

To sacrifice ceaselessly with all what we own... even ourselves

Mother’s day, is every woman’s day… for being a mother is a built in feature, god planted its seed… and let it grow into a great sacred tree

A tree that feed, shade, spill wisdom, and give pleasure

I dedicate today’s greetings to:

Every mother on earth or up in heaven – May god bless their tender souls

Every Girl/Woman:

who takes care of her parents

who take cares of her brothers and sisters

who shares to put a smile on the face of poor and orphans

who contains and love her man (bf, husband ..)

who feeds an animal and show mercy to all god’s creatures

who cherish friendship and is always around to spread cheers, and contain tears and fears

Every Girl/Woman who knows the true meaning of being a woman… of being the bearer of the feminine power… and realizes the gift that changed the face of the world.

All men who curse women… who are too arrogant, and afraid to admit our sacred power … remember that Adam asked God for Eve - *wink

So happy Mother’s day my fellow females … May god bless our feminine powers inside.

My strange Idea for today

We are all mothers

March 02, 2008

What Do I Know About Sadness!!?

Sadness is a grave ... I dug with my own hands

Lay there helpless ... lay there senseless

Sadness is the feeling when silence fill my eyes... ears... mouth...

while i stand watching my own self fading and unable to do anything about it

Sadness is the blood that flows out of my veins

Paint the world with my colors

and leave me gray

Sadness is the unknown path in mysterious lands

Dark trees ... filled with tortured souls

Precarious ground that swallows my steps

No sound

No one around

Just a thin cloud of foggy feelings

Sadness is the unanswered questions

Flying in the crystalline space

Wishing to be reunited with their answers

Sadness is about loss

Sadness is gray

Sadness is facing the truth

Sadness is a pray

Sadness is consuming me

claiming me as a prey

What do i know about sadness

What do YOU know about sadness?!

My strange idea for today:
Sadness is a Disease ... With no CURE

January 29, 2008

Let it Rain...

What's rain!!

Is it the tiny water drops that fall from above… fall to clean and wash the weary face of the world

Is It the pure water of the sky that hold the hand of the being and help it to get into a mysterious status of serenity, calmness, maybe little shades of sadness… sweet sadness

What is rain … truly what is rain

What is rain for you

Is it like it for me

Since I was a kid, and I always loved rain,,, loved to stretch my hand out of the window and feel the cold chilly drops on my warm tiny hands

I tried to taste it

I always thought it is holly water … why not … it comes from above… that makes it holly right?

I see an agreeing smile upon your lips… whispering yeh right J

Tell you something

I love so much the drip drip voice… and the weshhh weshhh voice… I love the fresh smell it gives to the world… and I love the song it sings with trees and blossoms … I love to walk in the rain and feel the holly water washing my face… washing away my pain.. washing away the stiffness that diseased my life

These were thoughts of years ago… but now I have a more mature perception of rain.. more mature definition… more realistic

Rain is

The tear drops of angels and fairies who live in the high clouds... they gather themselves from now and then in a hall made of crystal water over the high cloudy hills… decorated with scented flowers … the sacred frangipani…sit all together in a wide circle and cry

Cry for us

For our misery

For our loneliness

And our alienation

Cry and call our names to purify ourselves

To let go our sadness with their sadness

It cannot be more real than that … can it be!!

Let it rain … let it rain

Wash my pain

Don’t drop in vain

Let it rain let it rain

My strange idea for today:

I believe in fairies

January 07, 2008

Guiltless Devil!!

Shit happens!

Excuse my language, but I couldn’t find a better word to describe how things can deviate from its course.

Why we screw up!!

The Devil’s whispers?

Why we always blame the Devil!

Why not the inner hidden self?

God has warned us from our inner selves and the damages it can do to our lives… the bad it commands… the bad it wishes for us

it is not always the devil

It is us

We are the devils of this earth

My strange idea for today

Inside each one of us … is a devil’s soul