November 03, 2008

I Feel NOT !!!



4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD! i hate it when i sleep early, and wake up even earlier than my usual time...


this time.. the time when silence is dominating over the kingdom of man... for me it is the most peacful time of the day... and the most fearful


why peacful? well, as i said, silence, everybody is asleep, and if not, they are too weary to make any annoying activities.


and why fearful!! cause i think.. it is not that i dont think 24/7, but my thoughts are deeper and i find myself communicating with the thing i am trying to hide from ...


4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this hour specifically... maybe cause i am fond of even numbers .. so u can imagine what are my favorite hours :D 12, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

they are my hours of luck .. or maybe that is what i wanna convince myself with... am superstitious
!!

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i started to bla bla bla already ... i was going to write about something, and here i am talking about something else ! grrrrrrrrrrrr my restless mind !


ok .. let me try again...


My beloved readers ... I FEEL NOT

No doubt in that

and no joke about that


couple of days ago i saw the movie "pirats of the carribean - the curse of the black pearl" , some pirates were cursed, and the curse is to live without feeling .. strangely enough i know how it feels lol ...


c that... i know how it feels not to feel lol


i told my younger sister that other day "do you know how it is when you eat menth sweets and then drink cold water... it gives you a cold refreshing feeling in your throat and cheast.. for me .. i feel the same all the time ... but in the place of my heart"


the poor thing was looking at me with wide speechless eyes... it is either she thinks i am crazy, or feel pitty for me... or doesnt understand a single word of what i am saying..


i am not exagerating

but i feel not
i hardly can call what i feel ... a feeling

i feel no joy

i feel no sadness
i feel no worry

i feel no fear

i feel no pleasure

i feel no love

i feel no passion

i feel no sympathy

i feel no compassion


i feel not

i feel nothing


there are only two feelings consuming me and turning me to the creature i am


the fire of anger


and the coldness of loneliness


they have destroyed my senses.. my feelings... me


Hard to beleive ... hard to imagine ... feelings are like trees ... if not fed with pure water, fresh air, and loving care ... they dies


the worst thing is that it hurts physically .. not just emotionally !!


ps: this one is for you Sherif for you always see the bright side in matters... i may write about love... or joy... or beautifl magical things... but they are mere imagination, which doesnt belong to this world .. just live in a world of my own creation.
My Strange Idea of Today

Heart of Stone .. Heart of Ice ..

I Shall Die Young

4 comments:

Arabic ID said...

and then in the silence
you came
I was over there
thrown like the yellow jacket
in the corner of the events
not dancing or joying
smiling is not my habit
but I am always waiting
for your shoulders
to hold

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

and then in the silence
i came
i see you
but i cannot feel you
your shadow is moving...approching

you were not dancing
you were not joying
smiles left your lipse ages ago
but as usual you are waiting

for my shoulders to hold
for my breath to taste
for my body to melt with

eyes can feel
eyes can see
eyes is your window
and the exact same for me

make me feel
make me real
make me a woman
and be the hands that heal
------------------------------

Dearest Arabic ID

:)

i simply cannot say more!!

Sherif said...

You speak out your anger .. then you calm down waiting for the next round of rage ..

I could see only agony and pain in your eyes ..

I could watch all bitterness and sufferings on your face ..

I wish I could have even given you my soul .. a bit stronger to get on your feet again and continue your quest for happiness and joy

The only thing I could do .. is to appologize ..

I don't want to feel sorry for you .. I'd rather want to see you
more powerful

You'll live a hundred year ..

Miss Egyptiana "Trapped Soul" said...

Sherif

pain and suffering is a part of the life package ... you are right .. i live in an endless cycle of anger... anger that i am trying my best to hold inside .. to forget .. to tame

anger that burn me from inside .. and fill my skies with smoke and ashes

until i have my revenge .. until i have my salvation .. i will always be angry

and you know what .. i prefer to live one day of true honest happiness .. than live a 100 years of anger

i am strong.. and i will always be ... else.. i would have died a long long time ago

--------------

dont apologize my friend .. and remember .. you give me joy .. you give me peace.