November 18, 2008

It is Autumn

i wrote before about my dreams... usually they are of the exhausting type... suck my energy.. and leave me weary..
lately i am exposed to a set of "Dreams that carries a message"... this use to happen to me from time to time ... but since the beginning of this week... i am having them on daily basis

every day a dream
every day i see symbols
everyday i receive a message ... from god maybe .. from my inner self maybe ..
I cant say they are all bad .. but they are so exhausting .. so so so exhausting ..

my soul leaves my body every night ... roam in worlds of dreams .. fight.. cry.. kill .. die .. die .. die
years ago i thought myself a principal ... and a rule about expectations
the rule is simple : don't expect, and if you do .. always expect the worst

i am not pessimistic ... i am realistic

nothing good comes from life .. or those who live in it...
Music and Nescafe
they share one characteristic ... i am addicted to both!!

i hardly take of my ipod earphone ... and i hardly stop drinking nescafe during the day

both are slow killers

music is killing my sense of reality... my gate to runaway
and nescafe is killing my stomach.. and my brain... make me thin (which is cool lol )

I don't care:

i don't care if i lived
i don't care if i died

i don't care if i am happy
i don't care if i am sad
i don't care if i am real
i don't care if i am a ghost
blank .. silent blank space ..
sweet sad November ... my favorite month ... the time when angels call for peace

ending .. finally .. one of the lousiest years of my life

my name is the research dept. ... true .. as there is only one person in this dept. and this person is me..........................LOADED

My Strange Idea for Today

Isn't what you read strange enough !!!

November 12, 2008


Tabitha is the name ..
i dunno who she is .. she is no blogger ... she is just a passer by

i found her sweet comment today ... as usual touched the hidden dream in me ...

on the post "let it rain" she commented with 4 words "People should read this" ...

reading her comment draw a smile ... and send me to dreams ... to remember others who have the same opinion

one conclusion
i have to release my words.. to the whole world .. even the vast virtual space we all live in is not enough ..

knocking on the gates of my dreams
i wish to be a writer ...

but i am afraid

i fear failure

i fear ......... realizing the dream

fear is sealing my senses

and left me wordless and dreamless

people beleive in me.. but how about me!!!


i fly .. i fly
so high ... so high
but i face a ceiling

to the right ... to the left
sealed windows and doors

i fall .. and fall
and take my words with me
hide them inside
and dream that one day we will be free

My strange Idea for Today

i stopped calling myself a blogger... a writer...

or anything that has to do with words

November 03, 2008

I Feel NOT !!!

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD! i hate it when i sleep early, and wake up even earlier than my usual time...

this time.. the time when silence is dominating over the kingdom of man... for me it is the most peacful time of the day... and the most fearful

why peacful? well, as i said, silence, everybody is asleep, and if not, they are too weary to make any annoying activities.

and why fearful!! cause i think.. it is not that i dont think 24/7, but my thoughts are deeper and i find myself communicating with the thing i am trying to hide from ...

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this hour specifically... maybe cause i am fond of even numbers .. so u can imagine what are my favorite hours :D 12, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

they are my hours of luck .. or maybe that is what i wanna convince myself with... am superstitious

4 am in the morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i started to bla bla bla already ... i was going to write about something, and here i am talking about something else ! grrrrrrrrrrrr my restless mind !

ok .. let me try again...

My beloved readers ... I FEEL NOT

No doubt in that

and no joke about that

couple of days ago i saw the movie "pirats of the carribean - the curse of the black pearl" , some pirates were cursed, and the curse is to live without feeling .. strangely enough i know how it feels lol ...

c that... i know how it feels not to feel lol

i told my younger sister that other day "do you know how it is when you eat menth sweets and then drink cold water... it gives you a cold refreshing feeling in your throat and cheast.. for me .. i feel the same all the time ... but in the place of my heart"

the poor thing was looking at me with wide speechless eyes... it is either she thinks i am crazy, or feel pitty for me... or doesnt understand a single word of what i am saying..

i am not exagerating

but i feel not
i hardly can call what i feel ... a feeling

i feel no joy

i feel no sadness
i feel no worry

i feel no fear

i feel no pleasure

i feel no love

i feel no passion

i feel no sympathy

i feel no compassion

i feel not

i feel nothing

there are only two feelings consuming me and turning me to the creature i am

the fire of anger

and the coldness of loneliness

they have destroyed my senses.. my feelings... me

Hard to beleive ... hard to imagine ... feelings are like trees ... if not fed with pure water, fresh air, and loving care ... they dies

the worst thing is that it hurts physically .. not just emotionally !!

ps: this one is for you Sherif for you always see the bright side in matters... i may write about love... or joy... or beautifl magical things... but they are mere imagination, which doesnt belong to this world .. just live in a world of my own creation.
My Strange Idea of Today

Heart of Stone .. Heart of Ice ..

I Shall Die Young