Numb

Happiness 

Sadness

We seek one… we run from one

But too much of any blind the mind 

Light

Darkness

We cherish one… we fear one 

But too much of any blind the senses

My life has been a roller coaster

A lot is happening… I don't know what I want… I don't know if I am right or wrong… no path to follow… unbalanced

I can’t forgive

I can’t forget

I need peace… I need a resolution 

Then suddenly… in the middle of this turmoil… and out of the depth of my Aquarius soul… the feeling of nothing is spreading 

Continuous exposure to pain leads to one of Aquarius most glorious traits

Aquarius Numbness 

the feeling of empty… emotionally dead… mentally blocked

I am but a moving body with a soul too tired to live 

I must find something to fill the void in my head and let me loose the negative thoughts that prey on me

Something that will bring the spark of life into me again

Numbness is good… a thin shield that help me to keep going… but not for long

Too much numbness… burn the little feelings left in me

What am I good at… what path should i follow… what will help me out of this scary ocean in which I keep sinking slowly

What? I need to know 

My strange idea for today

I am a sinking log

Royal and the Serpent - Overwhelmed - current mood

Turn off the TV it's starting to freak me
Out it's so loud it's like my ears are bleeding
What am I feeling? Can't look at the ceiling
The light is so bright it's like I'm overheating

This mind isn't mine, who am I to judge?
Oh, I should be fine but it's all too much

I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety creeps inside of me
Makes it hard to breathe
What's come over me?
Feels like I'm somebody else

I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety keeps me silent
When I try to speak
What's come over me?
Feels like I'm somebody else
I get overwhelmed

All of these faces who don't know what space is
And crowds are shut down I'm overstimulated
Nobody gets it, say I'm too sensitive
I can't listen 'cause I'm eyeing the exits

This mind isn't mine, who am I to judge?
Oh, I should be fine but it's all too much

I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety creeps inside of me
Makes it hard to breathe
What's come over me?
Feels like I'm somebody else

I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety keeps me silent
When I try to speak
What's come over me?
Feels like I'm somebody else

I get overwhelmed
(Aah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah)

I should be fine but it's all too much
I should be fine but I'm not

My Strange Idea for Today

Sinking in the Void with a song in my head

The Toxic Trait

Did I mention before that my zodiac is Aquarius?… And not any Aquarius… the cursed February Aquarius!!

And despite the fact that it is an air sign… the symbol is the water bearer

This contradiction has caused chaos in my life

Dont get me wrong I dont say contradicting things… my words are solid and I hardly change them… but when one is ruled by wind and water… one turns into a hurricane.

Moreover, they call us the alien of the zodiac signs… our unique nature is too strong to be masked by following the common human rules 

I noticed that this word never ceases to appear in my life… seems that I am truly an alien who doesn’t belong to her surrounding

But i am not here to speak about my zodiac… I am here because I came across an analysis that mentioned Aquarius worst and most toxic trait… which is… living in the past!!

And as if a revelation of truth dawned upon me… it is true… I linger in the past… I let it roam in my mind… freely leeching off over my present … ruining my future

Every day i recall flashes from the past… prey on my soul… stuff my brain with all good and bad memories alike

When i remember the smell of my mother’s food, and what she use to do when i am sick 

When i remember my pain after realizing how horrible my choice of friends is

When i remember how i tried for a long time to find a shelter for my broken heart and fail 

When i remember that i allowed myself to be used and abused by almost everyone i know

When i remember that i shouldn’t give up my true self for anything or anyone, and I shouldn’t have chosen the easy path… that i should have tried to reach my dream… and explore the marvelous world inside my mind 

I linger in the past… why I still linger in the past

Trapped inside my mind… between I-wish-I-live-that-again and I-wish-I-never-did-that

Trapped and blinded… and at the end of the day i am too exhausted to think about today and tomorrow 

Trapped and blinded and mute… for I cannot speak loudly about my past… it will be in vain

Now the million dollar question… how to burry this past… how to live in peace… how can I reapportion all this wasted energy… embracing the present… planing for the future

Unfortunately it is a trait… a significant characteristic that will not go away… all I can do is to try to live with it… distract myself… maybe read and write more… I don’t know… I truly don’t know!

All I know is that I shall linger in the past… till I become a past myself… destiny written and cannot be altered 

My strange idea for the day

I need to restart my brain

Existence

I still exist… somewhere… somehow

Poison

Woke up that day sick, worn out, unable to put the mask of strength on my face.

Laying there in my bed… clouds obscuring my thoughts… sipping coffee my mom made… and trying to swallow those oversized pills that carry the healing powers of our modern time

Text here and there… phone call here and there… looking at my blog… but my ideas were scattered inside my brain… 

Midday

The bell rang … I didn’t care, I am still in bed

My mother’s voice ringing thru the hall, someone with flowers and a package… he needs your signature

Flowers and a package?

For me?

But how? Why? And from who?

My heart racing with excitement… so do names and faces in my head

I went to the door, and here it was, a big bouquet of beautiful flower and a package waiting for my signature

I signed and checked the card. 

It was him… his warm feelings were flowing beyond the few written words… big smile shining on my face… at this moment i could see his strong serious face… choosing carefully his words and write them down… knowing that i will feel and understand what was beyond them

My phone ringing and it was his voice… his warm assuring voice… wishing me well… and wishing that i would like the gift

The gift… i forgot about that… taken by the beauty of the flowers and the warmth of his words

I opened the gift and it was a bottle of perfume

A plump blackish purple bottle… with one word… Poison

This is a story from a faraway past… and I dunno why I remembered it

But when I did… I realized the hidden meaning behind the choice of this perfume

Poison he called me 

And poison I was for him

Poison that he was and wasn’t afraid of

Part of him was aching to take it… and another was trying to pull him away from its lethal impact

Poison… he called me

Poison… I am 

Poison… am I?

I pulled him beyond the gates of the unknown… of the ordinary… of the real everyday life

I was a ghost… a shadow… a dream

With me… He was experiencing feelings that were new… beautiful and magical

With me… he was discovering another face of himself… a face he didn’t even thought it existed

With me… he indulged in thoughts that are beyond his everyday life, and his solid position in the society

He wanted this world… My world… a world of magic and beautiful fantasy

His attraction was increasing everyday… he was knee deep in this endless ocean of mysteries… and with every passing moment.. the feeling  was rooted more and more inside the desert of his soul… spreading like a mysterious tree… nourishing and shading his weary self

He called me poison… the thought of me was taking over him… pull him away from his life… disturbing the sacred routine and peace

He called me poison … but not all poison kills

Poison is also healing

I was his poison … poison to his everyday ordinary life… and healer of his yearning soul to my unknown world

Poison… he called me

Poison… I am 

Poison… am I?

My not so Strange Idea of the Day

With age comes wisdom… and insight

And now I know what it means to be called .. Poison

The Fallen Angel

The world mysteries are ancient as time itself, dark and shocking… and sometimes my mind can’t grasp the idea behind some of them.

Yesterday i slept a human, a basic everyday human, do all what humans do, and feel all what humans feel, human indeed or that’s what i thought.

Today i woke up a descendant of fallen angels, but with no wings to fly me away home, no superpower to change enforce my will, no insight into the unknown obscure future.

A descendant with no trace of my ancient ancestors but a mysterious blood type … that’s rare and unusual… and has puzzled scientist about its origins.

Rhesus  Negative … the Alien Blood … laugh at the face of humanity and tell them there is more than just them living in the universe… and what we ignore is much more than what we know

The theory is based on biblical text, speaking of a superior race - The Nephilim race - who fell from heaven, the sons of God who lusted the mortal women of earth… they mated with them, and a new hybrid is created with an unusual blood type.

But what interested me in all of this is how we are described… they say we are different, our perception of things is different, our psychic ability is different, our sensitivity to the external world is different… many claimed they feel alienated in their surrounding, and long for a place they call home and don’t know where it is.

Some say it is the mark of witches, the descendants of demons, the aliens who visited earth a long time ago 

But i say i am just different… and to be different is not easy… the everyday struggle is exhausting… i had to teach myself how to live and cherish my difference, and carry it proudly wherever i go

It is 3am in the morning, and i started to feel my wings spreading… ready to fly me toward the unknown

No Place to Call Home

 

What is a Home?

Is it the walls… the windows… the doors?

Is it the address that you go to everyday… to shelter your mortal being?

Is it the place in which you keep your memories… your precious possessions… your everyday things?

Is it that physical existence that you think you belong to?

Or is it the people that live with you?

Is it a person, or persons?

Is it a loving arm or the noise of laughter?

What is a home and where to find it?

All my life I tried to belong, to find what’s so called home… and only when I thought that I found it, i realized it was just a mirage…it doesn’t exist… and all what i saw and thought it is real is simply a lie, a shadow, a smoke.

My physical existence is acting like a robot… do what i have programmed it to do… chained to reality.

But

My soul.. my vulnerable transparent soul, 

My heart.. my aching cracked heart,

My mind.. my exhausted weary mind,

Floating in the void… the cold dark void… with no place to call home… no place to shelter my being… no place to peacefully exist.

I am homeless within the walls of a place I once called home.

I am homeless in the arms of someone I once called love.

I am homeless when the all mighty took my mother away.

I am homeless when I allowed myself to exchange who I am with who I am not.

I am homeless when I accepted what I shouldn’t accept.

I am homeless when i packed all my worlds and words in a small box… and threw it in a dark place inside my mind.

I am homeless and i feel it more and more everyday.

No place to call home my friend.

No place to call home.