Why They Call it Suicide?!

النسخة العربية

Suicide… the act of killing one self… the brave decision to end one’s life… the final destination… the fading light of hope and rise of desperation sun.

Why it is wrong?

And why they call it a crime?

(1) Passing over the bridge… watching the flowing grayish water… its internal waves indicate the silent anger from this world, and the thirst for human souls… whispers coming from deep inside the river… faintly calling my name… I exerted all the efforts to fight the urge of giving myself totally to this delicate element of life… to be swallowed by the huge mass of water… and never come up again… to see a new world, and listen to new songs… songs of life after Death

Will they call it suicide?

Why they don’t call it… hiding!!

(2) Looking at the shiny blade… its silvery surface shows only half of my face… why only half of my face? Why always that half… my eyes are engraved on the hungry blade… which crave for the taste of my blood… I try to look away … but my eyes are glued to its rising soul… it wants me… what if I cut my flesh… the white moony flesh… and watch the line of blood flow freely away from my poisoned body… drawing life wherever it goes… and spread my existence in the endless being

Will they call it suicide?

Why they don’t call it… painting my freedom!!

(3) It is more than just a building... it is the top of the world where I stand… … watching the real life beneath my feet…mortals walk endlessly in one path… they never look at the beautiful blue sky… they never thought of the wind kissing their perishing bodies… the clouds are drawing the lines of angels… they whisper my name… they are inviting me to join them… fight the urge to throw myself… feel the wind… listen to heaven songs… and breath.

Will they call it suicide?

Why they don’t call it… flying away!!

(4) White tiny pills… lay peacefully on the table… what’s their taste? sweet or sour… does it matter… life is sour… my name is written on each of them… they are mine… they belong to me… flow inside my body… merge with my blood… take me to the world of dreams… endless dream… endless joy.

Why they call it suicide

Why they don’t call it… Sleeeep!! Shhhhhh

(5) Why they call it suicide?

Why they call it death… End of Life?

Why they don’t call it another chapter in one’s journey!

Freedom from life burdens!

Merging with life elements!

My strange idea for today:

Death is not the end … it is just the beginning

The Original Sin

Many has interpreted the Meaning of the Original Sin… as it was mainly related to eve’s response to the devil’s seduction, and reach for the forbidden fruit… thus opposing god’s will

But I have a different opinion… when I read the story of Adam and Eve, I found out that going for the forbidden fruit is not the sin itself… but it is the outcome of the sin

The real sin is that eve TRUSTED the cursed angel, which turned to be the curse of all human race

Look around before objecting… you will find that all major events in your life, others’ lives, and even in history has been affected in a way or another by TRUST… and mainly end negatively

My Strange Idea for today

TRUST is the original SIN… and we are all SINNERS

What do i Know About Success

I always thought that I know enough about success; that I have tasted its sweetness, and felt the pride it generates flowing through my veins, that gives an unusual feeling of ecstasy and amazement for the ability to overcome any obstacle no matter what it is... I thought I know about this magical word that we chase in the desert of life… and vanquish our thirst for accomplishment…

I thought… yes I thought… Until last Sunday!!!

Dear Readers and fellow bloggers

That glorious Sunday was my graduation day, in which I have been granted my MASTERS DEGREE WITH MERIT, finally after three long years of hard working nights, and long waiting days.

You will never imagine my happiness and pride in that day… and I realized that the feeling of success I use to have is not the real thing, it was a shadow, a tasteless clone, a fake copy … but the true thing was felt that Sunday at my graduation ceremony followed by the wonderfully organized reception …

That day, showed me different aspects of success… aspects that shine like a twinkling star in a dark sky… a star that is so far away, which cannot be reached but with a dream ship, equipped with will, and stubbornness to carry on... I realized that success is just like walking through the gates of heaven, you had to suffer for a long time, till you are worthy to enter, and enjoy its blesses, and festive as heroes

They say “no pain … no gain” those few words don’t just explains how to achieve success, but carry wisdom for those who can read between lines… pain, the feeling we try to run from and avoid during the course of our lives, the feeling that strike us with no pre-notice, is the same that we practice, in order to gain

I dunno why I remember now the last scene in the movie morgan ahmed morgan… when he was chosen to say the graduates’ speech… he said that now by education he owns the world

That day, I felt I owned the world... I stepped into heaven... I reached a star and put it in a necklace around my neck

Success for me is not just about the master’s degree, it carries for me a deeper meaning, it is about:

My will and strength to carry on

Believe in myself and my ability to do anything

Believe in NIKE motto “Just Do It

Accomplish great things

To Inspire and being inspired

Give a helping hand to myself and others

Deny the myth that we have limitations in doing things

Make others proud

Reaching a milestone that will change my life

Generate feelings of strength and happiness

It is all about success… real feeling of success… the success that we know we have earned it, and not just another word in our record

Congratulate me o! Dear ones. For today… I own the world… today… I am successful

*** *** *** *** *** ***

Celebrity for a day

That great day, I was a celebrity, everybody is looking and smiling to the graduates, wave hi to them, take pictures for them, and wanna take pictures with them … standing to take the group photos while ten photographers are taking pictures for us… it was a marvelous feeling

The best part was when the families met their sons and daughters after the ceremony with tears, and smiles, and beautiful flowers… while the eyes are twinkling with one word : “you make us proud”

Yes I made them proud

And I changed my life with my own hands

*** *** *** *** *** ***

And that is what I know about success :)

The Road to Femininity

The sparkles of magic within… the hidden massive power that rules the world… the endless source of pure light and delicious warmth… the brush that paints the faces of life with vivid astonishing colors… femininity, god’s grace to women

I am proud to be a woman… and I thank mighty God every day for the blessing of belonging to this beautiful race that bears life, and endless secrets within

Through my course of life, I saw many women who appreciate being women, and embrace their feminine power and tamed it for their good… while others curse it, deny it, and turn into deformed creatures that are neither feminine nor masculine, as they lose themselves and their identity; satisfied with existing for certain purposes – keeping human race - do nothing with pleasure, feel nothing with their hearts, know nothing of their inner self.

Culture, is it?

The way they have been raised, is it?

Or the savage life conditions they are going through?

Blame men is the solution!!

It is true that women are living under hostile conditions, their rights are denied, they are treated as properties to own, they have been raised with a natural feeling of guilt, and all what make them a woman is buried under thick layers of tribal code… but…we shouldn’t just put our heads in the sand and forget that a major part of the problem comes from within.

I see women walking in the street, with dark faces, and eyes that lost the beautiful sparkle of the moon, tend to turn themselves into ugly creatures, which make me ask …

Are they real women… what do they know about being a woman… what do they know about the difference between masculinity and femininity?? is it just a genital, and hormonal difference? How they perceive the term “Femininity”!!

Why being a wife, mother, practical woman, spinster, divorced, widow, feminist, intellectual has a negative impact on women femininity?

Alas, and I hate to admit it, the majority of today’s women know nothing about femininity, about the power they carry inside their souls and hearts… they believe that mimicking men in some of their attitude will bring them respect… they think that by reaching certain physical, mental, intellectual status means to give up being a woman… and pathetically turn to be anti-femininity creatures!! They have succeeded To lose the power within, to deny their nature and secret magic… and finally fill the streets, houses, offices with shadows of who were once women dwell

Let’s face it

- A girl is so beautiful and smooth till she got married, then turn to be a maid in her own house, know nothing but kitchen and kids,

- Some marry for just being able to be mothers, and I swear to god I heard it from many friends, after they give birth and I ask about their husbands, the answer is … he did his role

- Carrier turn women to be savage in behavior, as a mean to protect themselves and enforce respect in a environment where men generally rule… elegant, beautiful, but play with great success the role of femme fatal

- Some who has no luck in marriage don’t bother about the way they look, they act with vulgarity, and turn to crows … with all the meanings of the word

- Even one of the noblest roles for women – feminist - has turned them to be anti-men, they might be elegant and beautiful, but lost the touch of tenderness in their voices and way of acting with others

- Intellectual girls are known to wear glasses, and lose interest with god’s grace… their bodies

Women… themselves… and no other… have deformed the meaning of femininity… surrender to the dark waves of life that pull them away from their magical territory… all the above are examples of wrong practices from women themselves… they deliberately lose their powers, they intentionally bury their magic, they kill the beauty within… they kill themselves slowly, not knowing that femininity is the easiest path to reach a good life

But… what is femininity? What are the signs of femininity? how to find road to such great power?

That is what I will tell in coming posts… stay around

The Model of Innocence

Pure look

Milky face

Young face

Glowing skin like twinkling stars

Beautiful smile

Innocent deep eyes

Cherry lips

Draw a perfect model for innocence

Theoretically the way a person look may truly reflect who he/she really is… but beware... dont take it as a solemn fact... we need to look deeper and closer to know the hidden truth within… or we would be faced by another face screaming “I am not that innocent”

The Life Story

Our lives is woven with words that make one long story

The story is made of many many flowing chapters

Every chapter has a beginning and an ending

Through those chapters, our days flow… our fate is sealed… our future is drawn

Some chapters may glow with love and beauty… spread all the good feelings to bless the other chapters, and even affect the next chapters to be better, to be written with butterfly wing, and flower juice… carries the song of heaven, and the sweet taste of happiness.

Alas such chapters are short… never last… and the impact never sustain time

Some other chapters are seen as mistakes, where you can smell smoke and fire… taste blood… listen to cries and sounds of battles… such chapters pour darkness around and ruin any attempt for survival

Alas such chapters are long long longer than time… always last till the last breath… you can find its traces on all the coming pages… yes it may fade away, but it will always be there

Some chapters are just a separator between two chapters, draw an end, and open arms for a beginning

I have lived a story, a dark painful story, that spill its darkness over the pages of my book… ruin any attempt for good… my story back to me... and thing end up by emphasizing on one fact: My Happiness Never Last… and pain will always come from any corner to ruin it

That is my strange idea for the day

Which chapter you have lived and impacted your life until the day of reading those lines.

“Anyone would run away from your story”

words that pierced my heart, and after them I will never be the same.

Changing Seasons

Hearing the mysterious knocks of fall… smelling its faint scent that didn’t take full control over air yet, but just send messenger of cool breezes that play with our senses, and dance a secret dance with the trees; fill my eyes with the sight of white cottony clouds, which hide the heat of the sun to gently shade our mortal bodies.

All this make my heart ache… for no specific reason but the eager to meet fall again… and enjoy its beauty that exceeded any other season… though I have good feeling toward other seasons, but fall is always my favorite

That raises a question; What do I love about each season?!

mmm let me see

If I start with winter:

• I was born in winter; in the incomplete month… the coldest among all winter months … and the weirdest among all months… of course you have guessed!!! FEBRUARY,
• I love gray skies, from which I can see the true face of the world, hear angels’ cries, and bless my being with their tears “Rain”.
• It is better to be sitting under blankets with a cup of hot chocolates; than sitting half naked in the AC!!! Sinus problem :(
• The chill that turn our face and fingers numb! And make us appreciate our senses.
• RAIN… RAIN… RAIN
• Abandoned streets
• Winter clothes are more elegant
• Magic about Master winter: he is cold yet send warm feelings to our hearts… for the cold weather let people tend to be closer to each other, looking for physical and emotional warmth, and appreciate the good company
• Favorite place in winter: ALEXANDRIA

Spring:

• In which the songs of virgins in the hidden temples fill the being
• Smells of fruits and heavenly flowers… clear blue skies… and trees start to wear all kinds of blossoms and colorful leaves
• Enjoy the youth of the sun… with its shy light and heat
• LOVE… LOVE… LOVE is in the air
• All creature but humans are happier in spring, and as I value nature so I am happy for them too… even the sparrows songs are better
• In spring, a high degree of harmony and union with nature elements can be reached… feel yourself in the sea… or sitting on green grass… touching tree trunks… smell the scent of flowers and roses and fruit’s trees… and listen deeply to the leaves and cool breezes
• Still wintery clothes, with summer shades… they call that demi season
• Favorite place in spring: Gardens

Summer:

• The SEA… jump in water and feel it penetrating your cells… wash you from inside…let go all darkness, and fill your emptiness with its holly secrets
• I like the festivals of Poseidon, and river nymphs :) but that another story that I will write about in the diaries :D
• Favorite place in summer: The Sea, & my Room

Fall:

• Sweet November
• All good things happen to me in fall
• In fall all feelings are balanced … away from winter depression, spring romance, and summer enthusiasm
• Can reach a higher degree of spirituality and self exploration during the holly days of fall
• The nature is letting go their own past … and start a journey to begin a new chapter in their life
• Sweet sadness in the air … true feelings in the hearts… freedom of the soul
• The elements of life express themselves greatly
• I enjoy the festival of the Earth goddess, and wood nymphs :)
• Favorite place in fall: My world, me, and myself

Seasons are like me, or I am like seasons, doesn’t really matter… we are both unstable with NO single mood… That may seem a negative thing, but in my opinion it is a bless

So… time to change the season… time to change the mood… time to change the face of my earth, my world, my life.

I love you... But do i trust you?!

It is know that love is associated with other feelings… joy, happiness, sometimes anger and hate… but I won’t talk about any of these… I am here to focus on only one corner-stone feeling in any relationship… which is trust!

The more the couple are in love, the more they trust each other... everyone agree with that?

Ok! here is my strange idea... by observing, thinking, and experiencing I found out that…

The more we love… the less we trust

The less we love... The more we trust

Yeh yeh! I know the flow of thoughts that push on your brain, but allow me to explain my strange idea… and the logic that I have based it upon.

It happens; mainly due to unbalanced degree of love between couples… moreover, the degree of romance each of the couple has.

In order to clarify my theory, let’s imagine that we have two persons, (A) and (B), who are in love; and let’s assume that (A) loves (B) more

Believing in the great love, and the high expectation that (A) has… a bitter feeling starts to dominate in (A)’s heart, thinking that the given love is not met by the proper degree, gratitude, and feelings… (A) then starts to misinterpret any word or action made by (B), which raise arguments, thus loss of faith and trust in the partner, and the relationship as a whole

Vice versa

As (B) loves (A) moderately, normally maybe practically… we will find that (B) has no problem at all in trusting (A)... Knowing the degree of (A)’s love… which became much more than just love… it becomes kinda worshiping, and adoration… things are taken for granted, knowing that (A) would do anything for (B)

Now! Are you (A) or (B)?

Sometimes (A)… loves more and suffers

Sometimes (B)… loves less and suffers

Sometimes (C)… What I didn’t mention this one??!!

Oh! Sorry … (C) is the one who experience zero degree of both values

NO LOVE … NO TRUST…

Absolute neutral feelings, enjoyed by singles

I know what some may say, if the degree of love is not the same, so it is not a true love… common!!! That is not real life talk… we all know in a way or another the degree of love will never be the same, and the best we can hope for is to have the minimum possible difference!

And yes there are many types of love, platonic love, balanced romantic love, normal love, practical love …. You name it … it depends on the personality of the person!!!

So again which one you have experienced before? And is experiencing now!!

What are we Designed for

Human beings are strong creatures… maybe the strongest ever in this planet… they have overcome WARS, NATURAL DISASTERS, DEATH, SICKNESS, even LIFE itself… and in each event, they have proved well that they can carry on no matter what

Human beings are designed to carry loads of responsibilities… of others and toward others

Human beings are designed to survive … to stand before the tornado of life, which squeeze their faith… and test their humanity

But they were never designed to be lonely… to walk the line without interaction and support of other humans

That's why it is so hard to survive death of a beloved one, and for me… it is almost impossible to survive my breakup

It is about a year now

And I am still stunned, can’t really understand what happened…

Can’t bare the feeling of loneliness that burn my senses after he left

I feel empty

Walk with an invisible hole in my soul

Yes I am designed to do wonders

Threw spells of magic

Take enormous responsibilities on my shoulder, as Atlas did with the globe before

Inspire others

Support in whatever till the end of times

Care, share, and listen

But… and I am ashamed to admit it!

Am not designed to be alone

Am not designed to be without him

“Human beings are designed for many things… but loneliness is not one of them”

Desperate Housewives Quote

About Dreams

I dream!

Don't smile, and say me too!!

I know you do... we all do... but!!

I am concerned about the types of dreams I am experiencing

Dreams… Dreams

Shadows and fogs

Demons and dead angels

Men… men… women in torture

Me… run… run… no where to run

My dreams, I hate to dream… I hate to fall asleep… for the sake of my dreams' types:

Dreams where I am hunted:

the majority of my dreams are going around this point… I am hunted… running away from someone, from something… run always barefoot in darkness… followed by scary sounds… don't ask me why I run... I just run… run with no way out… run and always been found… escape and run and found and run and found and run and so on… till god wakes me up with his mercy

Dream where I am searching for something:

I am always late... I am always searching for a place... I am always in a hurry… I am always missing my appointment... I am always a looser… I am always searching…. always

Dream where I am in love:

We were never able to be together... always hugging and kissing bitter kisses… always steeling precious moments… always making love with tears… always been found by friends who ask us to run and hide… always separated… always

Dream where I am not me:

Strange... I am me and another!!! I can be me female and a male… I am both parties in a relation, and both parties in a situation… feeling men muscles… and women softness… who am I?

Dream that means something:

dreams that want to send me a certain message… it starts with as a normal dream… a set of unrelated fogy events… and suddenly, a focus on a certain things … as if I am using a camera… and zoom to show closely something very specific… even the wake up from such dreams means something… open my eyes widely and stare at the ceiling… whisper with one thing… I had a message… to such dreams I react differently, I first used to ignore and leave it to tomorrow… but now… I don’t… I read books of symbols… I read myself… I read the skies … I read the nature… till I reach what I want to know

Last dream of that type… a wall of seashells where I found shelter… the interpretation was to believe in myself … and my ability to get myself out of darkness

Dreams that reflect my mood:

Sometimes my daily life is reflected into a scary dream … where the events take the form of symbols… I wake up shivering… I wake up with tears… I wake up afraid… I thank god for waking up and leave my fears sealed in a dream

Dreams that leaves a mark:

No one ever believed it… and no one will... Because no one can ever imagine that a dream can leave marks … yes they do … to me … and I am still waiting for the meaning!!!

Why I have such odd dreams

My emotional instability is behind all this

My eternal search for a way out

For myself

For the true love that would brighten my days

My trial to runaway from myself

Everything

They feed my dreams to torture me

Strange… true enough to say… I don’t want to dream

Flavor of Life

Have you ever thought of your flavor of life?

Maybe I should start by telling first what a flavor of life is!!!

A flavor of life is your own flavor…

Still not clear!!!.... Ok read this:

I always thought that while creation, god put few drops of certain elements of nature, on the substance that made our bodies… to which the person would eternally belong, and his body responds!!!

That is why; sometimes you may feel that your body would interact with certain elements than others; For me I feel that my body doesn’t like different types of oils, such as almond, or olive oil… they make me feel weird and uncomfortable... as they are too complicated with too many molecules than I can handle or bare, besides they are extracted from other elements… so they seem to me as their shadows…

I am more into natural true elements… with their primary form, such as: Milk, Honey, Jasmine, Sacred Frangipani,

How did I know that?

Easy, for example, when I use cosmetics extracted from such materials, or consume them in different ways… I feel happy, as if a magical cheerful feeling slip into my soul and put a smile of satisfaction upon my face…

I feel that my body cells love them, sing for them, and feel so good, healthy, bright, shining, and extra soft with them…

I have tried rose's extracts, and other fruit extracts… but milk, honey and jasmine are my favorite ever… with them I feel as if I am going back to my first form, a substance mixed with beautiful elements of life.

Now can you tell what your flavor of life is??? :)

The Symbol

Tattoo has been always a secret wish of mine, and alas I can't do it for several reasons; but that didn’t stop me from wondering what if I can make one… which shape I will choose.

Sometimes I feel like a dragon, some others a butterfly, a little heart, or whatever Celtic shape... But…

I never found myself in any of them… for a tattoo must be symbolic for something inside, a believe, a wish... I dunno… it has to be so personal… so much ME

Until that day….

I was so depressed, crying over old papers… out of anger I held my pen and draw something over my ankle… strangely I felt myself in that little drawing… couldn’t at that time figure out what it was… maybe that is why I decided to study symbols, both religious and artistic…

After lots of readings, and examining many different symbols I realized the hidden meaning of my little drawing… and not just that, but I worked on enhancing it and formulate a meaning of my own... once I am done … I felt that this symbol is me … and I truly belong to its magic… so I decided to get a non toxic black pen and draw it myself every day on my left ankle … that may sound childish … but I truly feel myself with its existence, feel powerful, and protected

Can you see my symbol in this picture below

As noticed it is very simple, and may seem as an ordinary cross to others, but the hidden meanings are more powerful… maybe that is why it is a symbol J … to hide the meaning within, and send people's mind to other directions but the enlightened…

But here, I will reveal the hidden meaning starting with:

The Cross: a reflection of the Ankh "key of life in ancient Egyptian legends"; the horizontal line symbolize the feminine power, and the vertical line symbolize the masculine power, together they represent the sacred union of man and woman which refer to the creation and birth of the universe…

The Four Dots: referred to the four elements of life, Water, Earth, Fire and Air (that was easy)

Why Dots (circle shape): because the circle is a feminine symbol, and also refers to endlessness… so the elements are endlessly generated and protected by the feminine powers

Why in My Left Ankle: symbol of alienation as right is right for some

And Why Ankle: to be near the main vein of life

Simple and not complicated at all… So tell me dear, what is your symbol!!!